Andrew's beach front bar

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xYhVN8dbWq8

I was trying to think of all the great one liners from tv shows and movies, here are some of my favourites.

"It's a Japs eye. Not Popeye." - Two pints

Dispite the way it looks, i did not eat this large bowl of ice cream myself, it's just Michelle managed to never have a spoon in her hand when a photo was taken. i am not greedy, if Gillian Mc keith reads this she can off. I am not eating healty food, better to die young and have fun than live to an old age, never eat any interesting food and be hated by everyone.

I am 37 years old.

A customer just came into the shop (it's a family business) and asked if she was my daughter!!!!

This is the entrance to Park gate shopping complex.

Attercliffe, ton the road to Shefield city centre.

This is the pedestrian precinct in Rotherham, looks more like a river.

Most of South yorkshire is at a stand still. Some areas of Sheffield are being rationed on electricity, and having three hour black outs to conserve energy due to most of the sub stations being under water.

Many roads are closed, causing those that are open to be gridlocked. My usual ten minute drive to work took almost an hour.

Our car was due in for it's MOT yesterday, the garage is under water now, as are many shops.If it had been a day earlier it would have been there when the waters came.
My aunt and uncle have five inches of water through the entire house.

Ulley Dam is about to burst its banks, they have worked through the niht to try to pump out the water, if it does burst it wil flod great areas of Rotherham, all the people close by have ben evacuated, the M1 is closed, no trains are running, most of the busses are canceled.

Meadowhall shopping mall is under three inches of water, will be closed for several days.many roads and bridges are collapsed, and so far there have been five fatalities.

Now it's raining again. it's awful.

This is where we usually shop. it is madness here in Yorkshire! At least the rain has stopped, but nothing in Shefield and Rotherham is open.

Yes, we appear to have been hit by the worst rain for half a century. My wife is un able to get home from work, the person taking over from her unable to get in, so she has been at work since 8am, tried to leave at 4, got turned back by the police, and is now staying and doing the night shift. why? This is the road home!!!!

I was talking to a friend over the weekend about the post i did on Friday about the bloke claiming he had a dissability because he could only listen to heavy metal music. My friend said he sympathised with him, claiming he too had a similar affliction and could also only listen to rock music.

Anyone dissagree?

is this rain ever going to let up?
it's summer for God's sake. It's lunch time now and my fet are still sodden, perhaps it was a mistake to wear trainers today.

Bloody British weather..

I noticed on the box as i ate my Kellogs breakfast cereal the Customer help line, and a telephone number. It just made me think, like at what point do you call? Is it like, an advice thing...

'yes, i've put them in a bowl. what do i do next?.....Milk, hang on, i think i have some of that......what, on top? How much, just a little or submerge them completely?.....ok, done that......Spoon..Is that the one with the prongs? oh, the one like a ladle yes, ok...oh, so i eat it like soup?.........no, nothing else you can do for me, you have been very helpfull, thank you'

Nelly Furtado - You dont mean nothing at all to me

I have just one question with regards said programme. What's the point? So interviewer and interviewee spend 24 hours in a room together, then it is broadcast in a 26 min slot. what a waist of time.

Saw this in todays paper....

HEADBANGING IS RULED A DISABILITY.

So, censors have banned the computer game Manhunt two becaise of its 'cassual sadism, and unrelented focus on slaying'. Is that not what Quinten Taranteno has carved his whole carea on?

I am not in favour of censorship for the simple fact, I dont like being told that I cant do, or watch something. I want that choice my self.

Since the very earliest computer games we hav had shoot em up games, we have grown to love them over the years. we havnt all become killers, nor are we likely too, or am i wrong?

Is any one in agreement with the censors on this?

Some of you will know that i am attempting to write a script, a sort of piolet for a sit com. This is still a work in progress, and may change a lot before i get a final draft, but i just thought i would share a littl of it. feel free to be critical.

OPENING TITLES

FADE IN

SC. 1. A LIVING ROOM. INT. FRIDAY 17.40

POSTERS OF JORDAN, ANGELINA JOLIE AND KIRA KNIGHTLY FILL THE WALLS. THE FLOOR IS A MESS, CLOTHING, TAKE AWAY WRAPPERS AND BEER CANS. A ROCK CD PLAYS ON THE STEREO. REECE, A LONG HAIRED MAN WITH A GOATEE IS SITTING ON SOFA WITH THE TV REMOTE IN HIS HAND. HE FLICKS CHNNELS.

REECE:
Dreary. Monotonous. Juvenile. Condescending. Tosserific. Twat. Pompous.

HE TIPS HIS HEAD TO ONE SIDE AND STARES OPEN MOUTHED AT TV.

REECE:
Strangely arousing.

HE CROSSES HIS LEG.

REECE:
Down son. you’ll get some action tonight. It’s the weekend, it’s very hot so all the girls will be wearing skimpy clothing, hot, sweaty and primed for action. God bless the British summer.

REECE PUTS DOWN MAGAZINE AND STANDS. HE PUTS HIS HAND IN HIS POCKET AND FIDLES WITH HIS CROTCH.

REECE:
Calm yourself lad, not long now.

REECE WALKES THROUGH A DOOR INTO HALL

CUT TO

SC.2. A HALL WAY. INT.FRIDAY 17.50

IT IS A SMALL AREA WITH 4 DOORS LEADING FROM IT. REECE KNOCKS ON ONE OF THE DOORS. THERE IS NO REPLY. HE KNOCKS AGAIN.

REECE:
Tyler. Are you almost ready? I want to get there before all the fit birds get picked up. I’m not ending up with Wonky Janice again.

REECE KNOCKS AGAIN

REECE:
Tyler, are you in there?

REECE PUSHES THE DOOR OPEN. HE ENTERS.

CUT TO

SC.3 A BED ROOM. INT. FRIDAY. 17.55

A SINGLE BED. POSTERS ON THE WALLS OF JORDAN. TYLER, A BLONDE MALE IS SITTING ON THE BED, JEANS AND PANTS AROUND HIS ANKLES. HE LOOKS SHEEPISH AS REECE ENTERS. HE COVERS HIMSELF WITH A PILLOW.

REECE:
Were you wanking?

REECE PICKS UP AN OPEN MAGAZINE

REECE:
To a picture of Lilly Savage?
TYLER:
I wasn’t wanking

REECE PICKS UP A SMALL BOX

REECE:
Are you dying your pubes?

HE READS BOX

REECE:
Chestnut red?

TYLER:
They were going grey
REECE:
And you thought they would look better chestnut red?
TYLER:
No. It was half price.

REECE:
But you’re blonde. Your genitals will look like Groundskeeper Willy

REECE DOES MOCK SCOTISH ACCENT

REECE:
Why you’ll pay for this Skinner.

TYLER PULLS UP HIS JEANS. HE STANDS.

TYLER:
Shall we go then? It’s my turn with wonky Janice. You can have her mate Vera.
REECE:
Not me mate. That Caitlin bird said she might be out tonight
TYLER:
You didn’t tell me you spoke to Caitlin. When did you speak to Caitlin?
REECE:
She was in Fat Gary’s on Tuesday night. She was with that Shannon sort.
TYLER:
Sort? That Shannon is gorgeous man. I recon I could be in there
REECE:
Corey would kill you if you tried anything on with his missis.
TYLER:
Ex missis, and she’s hot.
REECE:
So is chicken vindaloo, but I wouldn’t stick my knob in it.
TYLER:
I once got my knobs tuck in that Smarty tube.
REECE:
I told you never to mention that again. I still can’t look at a smarty tube to this day. Do you have any idea how much that episode scared me?
TYLER:
You? I was the one had it stuck.
REECE:
And I was the one had to try and get it off. The more I pulled the bigger you got, and the more stuck you became.
TYLER:
That’s because you kept groaning, it was like horny noises.
REECE:
It wasn’t horny, I was trying to prevent myself from vomiting.
TYLER:
Well it sounded like horny noises, my ex girlfriend made the same noises when we had sex.
REECE:
You must have made her feel sick.
TYLER:
No way, she was really into me. She used to say I was her idol.
REECE:
Tyler, she said you were idle.

TYLER FROWNS. REECE SEES A SHEET OF A4 PAPER WITH SCRAWLED WRITING ON IT. HE GOES TO PICK IT UP. TYLER GRABS FOR HIM.

TYLER:
No. don’t read that. It’s private.
REECE:
What is it?
TYLER:
If you must know, I was trying to write a love song.

REECE:
What for? You can’t sing. The last time you did karaoke somebody in the audience died.
TYLER:
He had a heart attack
REECE:
Because you’re singing was so bad.
TYLER:
He was 87
REECE:
And you killed him.

REECE READS TYLERS LYRICS OUT LOUD

REECE:
Did I tell you that I loved you? No. Thank Christ for that. I could never love you girl till you shaved off the tash. Did I tell you that I loved you? No. Thank Christ for that. I thought you were pregnant but your just a porker. I thought you were giving me the eye but your boss eyed baby, you were looking at my mate…. That’s a love song?
TYLER:
Yea.
REECE:
Roy Chubby Brown style?
TYLER:
It’s based on you.
REECE:
Me? How is it based on me?
TYLER:
You once had a girl friend with a tash. You used to mock her.
REECE:
What girlfriend of mine had a tash?
TYLER:
Nat.
REECE:
She didn’t have a tash.
TYLER:
So why did you call her Tash?
REECE:
Everyone called her Tash. It was short for Natasha.
TYLER:
I thought people called her Nat
REECE:
No body called her Nat apart from you. She hated Nat.
TYLER:
She never said.
REECE:
She used to tell you all the time, she used to sign all your Christmas and birthday cards Tash
TYLER:
Oh, that’s who that was. I always thought I had a secret admirer.
REECE:
Well anyone who admired you would certainly want to keep it secret.

CUT TO

When I posted the 'bye bye' blog yesterday i had seriously intended that to be my final post, thinking I could just slip out the back door un noticed, and that be an end to it.

When I started this blog it was just meant as a way of getting my poetry out to a wider audience, i never imagined i would find my self gettin so addicted to it, so caught up in other peoples lives, people i have never met began to become inportant to me, and i needed to read their posts, your posts on a regular basis or i began to have strange withdrawal smptoms.

Last night, i lay awake in bed and the blog was calling out to me like some kind of siren song....'Andrew...Andrew...dont you want to know what everyone is up too? Do you not want to read everybodys posts?' I lay there wishing that i hadn't posted that post, thinking, if i change my mind now and go back on it i will look stpupid, but i didnt even last a day before i had to come and see what was going on, just a quick peek i promised my self, yea, a quick peek. i can manage that!

Looks like i'm here to stay, i guess once the blog has you it's for keeps, thanks for the messages everyone, but i guess your stuck with me.

before i do sign off for today, i just need to share this with you. Today i bought the DVD Queer as folk, writen by the brilliant Russel T Davies, who was the one brought back the fantastic Doctor Who. A friend of mine asked,

"why did you buy Queer as folk? Your not gay"

I wasnt sure what to say, so i just said,

"I'm not a Time lord but i watch Doctor who."

Loved this show. I cant find it on DVD, The BBC should release it. Together David Baddiel, Steve Punt, Hugh Dennis and Rob Newman were the Mary Whitehouse experience. It's long overdue a repeat run.

I know it's a lot of clips, but they are all so good.

I dont know whether it's a Scientology thing, but has anybody noticed that Tom Cruise and John Travolta never seem to age?

Want to win Andy Williams tickets? They are giving away two tickets on our local radio, just fill in the missing word on the Andy Williams song.

Music to watch ? by......well it's not sheep is it?

Watching that show i dont think it has. Why do all the mentals come out in force at the mere mention of 'reality tv?'.

The bloke with Domino the duck, and the puupet on a string thing, oh, and the transvetite Kylie bloke....them bottle juglers were pretty good though, and the guy at the end last night with the guitar. what a voice. thats tallent.

http://www.waynesthisandthat.com/signes.htm

I just heard some bloke on the radio who said his wife had a stroke two years ago and he had to learn to 'wash,cook and iron' overnight. It's not rocket science is it? I lived on my own for seven years before i met Michelle. If a numpty like me can do it.......

Had a fantastic meal on Friday night at 'The Story teller'. dispite my promise to eat something healty all my good intentions ebbed away and i had steak and ale pie and chips, Michelle was good and had chicken pata alfredo.

Better get back to it i guess. bie for now.

This song was our first dance at our ewedding. Always brings it back to me.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IV5N21mpmIo

This is us on our honeymoon in Jamaica. I wish we were there now.

This was taken about this time, five years ago to the day. What a fantastic day it was. I remember becoming very emotional, cried during the vows in church, cried during my speach at the reception. Five years down the line and we are still as in love as we ever were. Not ionly is Michelle my wife, but also my best friend.