Some of you will know that i am attempting to write a script, a sort of piolet for a sit com. This is still a work in progress, and may change a lot before i get a final draft, but i just thought i would share a littl of it. feel free to be critical.

OPENING TITLES

FADE IN

SC. 1. A LIVING ROOM. INT. FRIDAY 17.40

POSTERS OF JORDAN, ANGELINA JOLIE AND KIRA KNIGHTLY FILL THE WALLS. THE FLOOR IS A MESS, CLOTHING, TAKE AWAY WRAPPERS AND BEER CANS. A ROCK CD PLAYS ON THE STEREO. REECE, A LONG HAIRED MAN WITH A GOATEE IS SITTING ON SOFA WITH THE TV REMOTE IN HIS HAND. HE FLICKS CHNNELS.

REECE:
Dreary. Monotonous. Juvenile. Condescending. Tosserific. Twat. Pompous.

HE TIPS HIS HEAD TO ONE SIDE AND STARES OPEN MOUTHED AT TV.

REECE:
Strangely arousing.

HE CROSSES HIS LEG.

REECE:
Down son. you’ll get some action tonight. It’s the weekend, it’s very hot so all the girls will be wearing skimpy clothing, hot, sweaty and primed for action. God bless the British summer.

REECE PUTS DOWN MAGAZINE AND STANDS. HE PUTS HIS HAND IN HIS POCKET AND FIDLES WITH HIS CROTCH.

REECE:
Calm yourself lad, not long now.

REECE WALKES THROUGH A DOOR INTO HALL

CUT TO

SC.2. A HALL WAY. INT.FRIDAY 17.50

IT IS A SMALL AREA WITH 4 DOORS LEADING FROM IT. REECE KNOCKS ON ONE OF THE DOORS. THERE IS NO REPLY. HE KNOCKS AGAIN.

REECE:
Tyler. Are you almost ready? I want to get there before all the fit birds get picked up. I’m not ending up with Wonky Janice again.

REECE KNOCKS AGAIN

REECE:
Tyler, are you in there?

REECE PUSHES THE DOOR OPEN. HE ENTERS.

CUT TO

SC.3 A BED ROOM. INT. FRIDAY. 17.55

A SINGLE BED. POSTERS ON THE WALLS OF JORDAN. TYLER, A BLONDE MALE IS SITTING ON THE BED, JEANS AND PANTS AROUND HIS ANKLES. HE LOOKS SHEEPISH AS REECE ENTERS. HE COVERS HIMSELF WITH A PILLOW.

REECE:
Were you wanking?

REECE PICKS UP AN OPEN MAGAZINE

REECE:
To a picture of Lilly Savage?
TYLER:
I wasn’t wanking

REECE PICKS UP A SMALL BOX

REECE:
Are you dying your pubes?

HE READS BOX

REECE:
Chestnut red?

TYLER:
They were going grey
REECE:
And you thought they would look better chestnut red?
TYLER:
No. It was half price.

REECE:
But you’re blonde. Your genitals will look like Groundskeeper Willy

REECE DOES MOCK SCOTISH ACCENT

REECE:
Why you’ll pay for this Skinner.

TYLER PULLS UP HIS JEANS. HE STANDS.

TYLER:
Shall we go then? It’s my turn with wonky Janice. You can have her mate Vera.
REECE:
Not me mate. That Caitlin bird said she might be out tonight
TYLER:
You didn’t tell me you spoke to Caitlin. When did you speak to Caitlin?
REECE:
She was in Fat Gary’s on Tuesday night. She was with that Shannon sort.
TYLER:
Sort? That Shannon is gorgeous man. I recon I could be in there
REECE:
Corey would kill you if you tried anything on with his missis.
TYLER:
Ex missis, and she’s hot.
REECE:
So is chicken vindaloo, but I wouldn’t stick my knob in it.
TYLER:
I once got my knobs tuck in that Smarty tube.
REECE:
I told you never to mention that again. I still can’t look at a smarty tube to this day. Do you have any idea how much that episode scared me?
TYLER:
You? I was the one had it stuck.
REECE:
And I was the one had to try and get it off. The more I pulled the bigger you got, and the more stuck you became.
TYLER:
That’s because you kept groaning, it was like horny noises.
REECE:
It wasn’t horny, I was trying to prevent myself from vomiting.
TYLER:
Well it sounded like horny noises, my ex girlfriend made the same noises when we had sex.
REECE:
You must have made her feel sick.
TYLER:
No way, she was really into me. She used to say I was her idol.
REECE:
Tyler, she said you were idle.

TYLER FROWNS. REECE SEES A SHEET OF A4 PAPER WITH SCRAWLED WRITING ON IT. HE GOES TO PICK IT UP. TYLER GRABS FOR HIM.

TYLER:
No. don’t read that. It’s private.
REECE:
What is it?
TYLER:
If you must know, I was trying to write a love song.

REECE:
What for? You can’t sing. The last time you did karaoke somebody in the audience died.
TYLER:
He had a heart attack
REECE:
Because you’re singing was so bad.
TYLER:
He was 87
REECE:
And you killed him.

REECE READS TYLERS LYRICS OUT LOUD

REECE:
Did I tell you that I loved you? No. Thank Christ for that. I could never love you girl till you shaved off the tash. Did I tell you that I loved you? No. Thank Christ for that. I thought you were pregnant but your just a porker. I thought you were giving me the eye but your boss eyed baby, you were looking at my mate…. That’s a love song?
TYLER:
Yea.
REECE:
Roy Chubby Brown style?
TYLER:
It’s based on you.
REECE:
Me? How is it based on me?
TYLER:
You once had a girl friend with a tash. You used to mock her.
REECE:
What girlfriend of mine had a tash?
TYLER:
Nat.
REECE:
She didn’t have a tash.
TYLER:
So why did you call her Tash?
REECE:
Everyone called her Tash. It was short for Natasha.
TYLER:
I thought people called her Nat
REECE:
No body called her Nat apart from you. She hated Nat.
TYLER:
She never said.
REECE:
She used to tell you all the time, she used to sign all your Christmas and birthday cards Tash
TYLER:
Oh, that’s who that was. I always thought I had a secret admirer.
REECE:
Well anyone who admired you would certainly want to keep it secret.

CUT TO