Andrew's beach front bar

Going to a fancy dress party at the weekend. would it be accetable to go dressed in my every day clothes, claiming to be a wearwolf, but it isnt a full moon? It's either that, or put on a curly wig and be Jeremy Clarkson.

And we noticed some things were missing after he left the shop. Not that i'm accusing him.

I am angry. My blood is boiling. You know how stressed Eric has that vein that pulsates on his head? Well i think i have one, though i havn't looked in a mirror, though i can feel my eye twitching.

I need a coffee to calm my nerves.

This got rejected by thre publishers, so i thought i would put it on here instead. It's a bit long, so i dont expect anybody to rtead it all.

1. At least you get Sunday off.

Yes, that’s right. You may work 6 days a week just to keep a roof
Over your head. The kids keep growing out of their clothes at a rate of knots. It’s been almost two years since you were last able to afford a decent holiday, and when I say decent I mean one where you didn’t spend it stuck in a caravan in the rain with the in laws. There seems to be a birthday every month f the year and you have to buy something or everyone is going to accuse you of being tight, then of course Christmas, and you know the kids are going to want the latest bloody games console. I want to tell them, listen when I was your age I was happy to get a dinky toy, or a Rupert the bear annual. But you have to buy one, cause the neighbours have got one for their kids and you have to be seen to be keeping up with the Jones. Overtime therefore is a necessity, so you put in a couple of double shifts, but how ever many you do you get through it by keeping in mind, Sunday is approaching fast. That will be your day of rest. Yea right!

O.K, so you’ve got to mow the lawn, wash the car ,take the kids to the park, walk the dog, visit the in laws, do the Tesco shop, cook a Sunday lunch, your wife says she does it every day of the week so its only fair that you do it on a Sunday, put up those shelves in the kitchen that have been leaning against the wall in the spare bed room for the past three months and they fall over every time any one walks past that you keep promising your wife you will do, but hey, apart from that Sunday is yours, by six o’clock you can be fast asleep in that arm chair ready for a spectacular night of tv. The antiques road show, heartbeat, songs of praise. Isn’t it time you thought about getting cable? They are showing the entire godfather trilogy on sky. Maybe its time you put in some overtime so you can afford that dish or digi box, or better still, start to look for a better job. This check list will tell you if its time:

The tea boy gets promoted over you.
You do a full days work every night in your sleep.
After ten years the boss still cant remembers your name.
You don’t get asked on team building weekends.
You find out everyone has been going out every Friday night
For the past seven years and you have never been invited.
Everyone stops talking when you enter the staff room.
Everyone goes on an elongated fag break leaving you
To do all the work.
You’re the only one for who hey don’t have a collection on
Your birthday..

2.You may still be able to climb the career ladder.

If you keep on putting in so much over time the boss is going to think, “Hey, that guy is showing a lot of commitment.” and that can only go in your favour cant it?
Do you really want promotion? more responsibility for a few extra quid? And the boss will soon see through you, he’ll know your not committed to the job. He’ll know your dreaming about the day when you get the chance to break away. Chasing that elusive lotto win? Hoping to un earth some valuable pressing in your old vinyl collection? Waiting for a wealthy aunt to pop her clogs and leave you something in her will? It’s not going to happen, and your gona have to keep your feet firmly on that bottom rung of the theoretical ladder, anyway. Aren’t you afraid of heights?

3. They forecast a heat wave the third Tuesday in June.

It may be wet now, but at least we know the summers on its way. .At last we get to see the back of the winter. It’s been so cold. God, don’t English people complain? I would hate to think how we would go on if it was really cold, like it is in Finland for instance. People would never venture out of the house. Were taught at an early age though to fear the cold, the kids get time of school just because there is a bit of a nip in the air. Fancy being a teacher, you get the day off just because it’s cold, and they don’t even work outside.

That’s right, the great British Summer, Two weeks in the middle of August. You cant book the time off work because everyone has got in before you. All the trains are crammed packed full of day trippers heading for the cost, you cant find any space on the beach, when you o your confronted with middle aged men with beer belies hanging out over tiny Speedos, al of whom are beginning to resemble mutated lobsters Not a pretty sight, it’s just not what you come to expect from a beach is it? But the, you have been watching Baywatch and Home and Away and that was nothing like this. Reality sucks.

4.You could get paid for doing your hobby.

Yes, its true. And what a wage you could get paid if you were a proffesional sports man and women doing essentialy what the rest of us mere mortals do for fun on the weekend.

5. The kids not yours.

The woman with whom you had a one night stand 9 months ago has finally given birth. You have been worrying about where the Extra money was going to come from if you had a kid to support. In the back of your mind you have been planning all the overtime you were going to have to do. All this time you were worrying for nothing, you are a pasty white bloke, she is ginger, the kid is black ,It cant possibly be yours
You would never admit it to anybody, but you were starting to feel a little broody, and thinking of all the Dad type things you could do. You were even trying to chose a name, you came up with Angelina for a girl and Harrison for a boy, well it sounded all Hollywood didn’t it. You didn’t really want to go the celebrity parent route and call a kid something like Apple, Moon unit or Pixie. Why don’t the4y just go the whole hog and call them by something that might suit in later life:

Waister
Tranny
Bum
Drunk
Whore
Junkie
Slob
Nose job
Camp
Thug

6. You can always have a brew.

Things might be as bad as they can get, you’re car is a right off, you’re insurance has lapsed because you spent the money on the latest games console, but somebody will always say, as if it will make everything alright, ‘lets have a nice cup of tea’. When has a cup of tea been a cure for anything? And why a nice cup of tea? Under what circumstance would you offer to make someone a horrible cup of tea?

7. He’s not pressing charges.

you thought he was sleeping with your wife and scratched his car and slashed his tyres. The police were called but he chose not to mention your name. In a strange way your pissed off about that because now you owe him, plus the fact it makes him look a bigger man than you. Besides, you were looking forward to your day in court so that you could stand up in front of an entire courtroom and tell them why you did what you did. Your wife says you should send him a card to apologise. They sell cards for everything these days:

Congratulations on reaching puberty.
Congratulations on your first period.
Sorry. You failed your exams.
You’re getting divorced.
Sorry you lost your job..
Greetings on the eve of your bankruptcy.
You’re going to jail.
Sorry you’re dead.
Woops! You totalled your car.
Well done. You’re a woman.
Sorry the baby looks like its dad.
You’re dumped.
You’re sacked.
Congratulations you won the lottery. Donations gratefully received.
Bad look. Your appeal was denied.
Sorry you were robbed.
He is sleeping with your wife. The only reason he isn’t pressing charges is because she asked him not to.

8.Someone smashed the speed camera, you wont get a ticket.

you were only trying to make up lost time stuck in rush hour traffic. You don’t want to get home too late, you spend more than half your life at work as it is. You knew the camera was there, and tried to slow down, went through at 43 in an 40 limit zone, but hey, no flash.
The bloke who cut you up and caused you to drive into a tree isn’t going to get a ticket either. He didn’t even stop, and you have no idea of knowing who he is without the evidence from that speed camera. This is going to cost you after all, may as well have just paid the fine, the repairs on the car are going to set you back. Looks like more overtime is on the cards. The problem is to many Sunday evening in front of the TV watching Top Gear, you didn’t aught to listen to messes Clarkson, Hammond and May. The camera is there for a reason. Men all around the country watch the star in a reasonably priced car on the top gear track, and in unison they all cry out. “That’s pants! I could do better with my bleeding eyes shut.“ Are you sure you shouldn’t be looking for a better job? Have you got your excuse for crashing ready for the insurance claim?

I fell asleep at the wheel and the driver lost control.
I sneezed.
My son in the back seat said he wanted to be a woman.
A spider fell on my lap and I freaked out.
The sat nav told me to turn left.
I was playing on line poker.
I was wearing a blindfold and handcuffs.
The voices in my head told me to.
I wanted to test the air cushion.
What car?
I thought I could drive like the Stig.
The FBI were trying to silence me because I know what
Really happened at Roswell.
What side of the road should I be driving on?
Did I really crash or is it an illusion? Are we really here?
I was having sex. Listen, she charged by the hour
and I only had forty quid on me.
I was trying to open a can of lager.
I thought I caught a glimpse of a naked chick
But it was just a shop dummy.

9. The doctor says its only an allergic reaction not a disease.

you thought you had picked something up from that prostitute you slept with the other night didn’t you? It’s just that cheep washing powder you started using last month. If you had a job that paid a decent wage you could afford the better stuff and you would never have had this problem.
That girl that you spent half the night chatting up in the club, the one that you finally persuaded to come home with you saw the rash and freaked out, she has already spread the word that you are diseased. Now nobody is going to touch you with a barge pole. Did you not wonder where all those put downs were coming from?

In your dreams.
Whatever!
What. Dressed like that?
Are you still breathing?
You call that a car?
Is that as big as it goes?
Oh you are naked, sorry I thought you were wearing a woolly jumper.
Do I look like my name is Dan? Desperate.
Can you walk a few yards over there so people don’t se us together?
The hair is the least of your problems.
Yea, like your going to pull.
You’re not coming near me with that thing pal.
I don’t think so, move along.
Well, last night was a flop wasn’t it?

10. The girl in the chemist definitely smiled at you.

you could be in here, she’s really fit, works out in the gym every day. Things are looking up. Get in there son.
Who was it sold you the cream when you had that allergic reaction? Yes, that’s the only reason she smiles at you, sympathy. How is it that you never have any luck anyway? You can see the way your life is heading.

You’re driving the same car as your Gran
Even the loan sharks refuse you credit
Your cheque book has more bounce than Zebedee.
You’re reduced to buying your presents
From Oxfam.
You start to buy supermarket value range tea
And coffee, but put them in a branded jar so that
Visitors don’t know.
You lie on friends reunited so you don’t
Look like a looser.
You realise that you haven’t had any response
To your add on friends reunited because
No body remembers who you are until
You point out you were the geek with the zits
And national health specs who always sat at the
Front of the class reading star trek books.
You realise people are laughing at you
And not with you.
You start buying yourself birthday
And Christmas cards.
You invite a date back home and she
Is more interested in your cat.
You look forward to the new series of
Last of the summer wine.
You like the taste of sprouts.
You stop snacking between meals because
You’ll be too full to eat your tea.
It takes you three attempts to
Get out of your chair.
You start to forget how old you are.
Your new DVD baffles you.
The local kids refer to you as
‘that sad old git.’
Your drunk after one glass
Of wine
You’re the oldest person on the bus
You need to eat bran to keep your
Bowels regular
Your pee is orange

11.The summers are getting hotter.

who needs to go abroad for a holiday? You can just as easily get a tan in the UK., and all the women come out half naked, wearing dresses smaller than my boxer shorts.
Yea, you could do. But have you seen our seaside resorts? Cleethorpes, Mablethorpe, Margate. Hardly Montego bay is it? And as soon as we experience any hot weather the mad drivers come out, wind the windows down, play the stereo at full blast and break the speed limit. How about asking the travel agents if they do trips to:

Hogwarts
Midsummer
Spice world
Never land
Narnia
Trumpton
Camberwick green
The enchanted forest
Fawlty towers
Ballamory
Treasure island
Far far away
Club Tropicana
Devil gate drive
Sunset beach
Walford
Holby
Cloud cuckoo land
The g spot
The twelfth of never.
The back of beyond.
Somewhere safe.
High and low.

12.1t’s going to be a white Christmas.

you’ve seen the Christmas cards, snowmen, reindeer, snow,snow,snow. You wish for it every year but it never happens, this year though they say is the one.

You do know that we only need on flake of snow on the weather centre on Christmas day to make it a white Christmas don’t you? I wouldn’t start digging out the toboggan just yet, it’s hardly going to be snow on a Finland scale. How come we only need two flakes of snow for the whole country to grind to a halt anyway in the Arctic circle there is tons of snow, the roads run smoothly, planes manage to take off and land on the runway, and the schools, miracle of miracle remain open. How come their heating system can cope? It gets down to -40 in the winter. Life goes on.

13.There’s an 80’s revival.

you still have your old 45’s up in the loft. retro is all the rage, people pay a fortune for vinyl these days. Get em on e bay. You still have the deeley boppers too? And the hot pants? Dig out the brillcream, spike that hair, long live the new romantics.

You have put a lot of weight on since the eighties. The hair line has receded, and your going to get yourself all worked up again at the thought of Joe Dolche, that fake bloody Italian keeping Vienna off number one. So what records are in your collection anyway? Tiffany? Brother beyond? Sam Fox? Sabrina? No limited editions then? No signed John Lennon records? You didn’t exactly plan for your future did you? I bet you’re the sort of person who never throws anything away aren’t you? What all that in your loft?

A betamax video
Your old school books
Baby clothes
A black and white TV
ZX81 games
Action man
An old fish tank
Readers digest from 1977
A fondue set
A 1970’s dinner set
Your wedding outfits
Out of date jar of aspirin
Old remote control from a television You no longer have
Bag of used batteries
A chewed up cassette
An empty tin of family favourite biscuits
A cup that is all that remains of a dinner set
A souvenirs tee shirt from a rock festival you
went to in the seventies when you were much slimmer
an 8 year old diary
an old radio times with a picture of Kylie on the cover
an old girlfriends telephone number
the cat in the hat books
Keith Harris and Orville ‘ I wish I could fly’ 7” single
a blankety blank cheque book and pen
Novelty condoms
Odd shaped fruit and veg
Potatoes in the shape of famous people
Sick notes from their GP
Written warnings
Napkins with restaurants names on
Wooden forks from the chippy

14. you got three numbers on the lotto.

it’s three more than you got last week, and it was the first three that were drawn. You thought it was your week, thought you were on a roll. You were already planning that trip to Australia, but then the next three numbers didn’t come did they? But it’s a tenner, its better than a smack in the mouth.
Yes, you may have won ten pounds, but have you ever stopped to think how much you have spent since the lottery began? Do you not think it would have made more sense to put a couple of quid in a jar every week?

15.The blonde Swede next dour invited you around to join her
In the hot tub.
All your Christmases have come at once, she’s well fit.

Have you looked in the mirror lately? When did you last go to the gym? Also, why did you have the curry last night? Now her hot tub is bubbling like a Jacuzzi. She knows its you making the bubbles, make the most of it. You wont get invited around again.

16.You can have an extra hour in bed because the clocks go back.

you get an extra hour in the pub
Yea, but when the clocks go forward you loose an hour, and what happens if you are on nights when the clocks go back? You have to work an extra hour, but you wont get paid for it because as far as your time sheet says you started at ten and finished at six, that’s eight hours.

17.You’re through to the next round in the readers digest draw

First prize, a holiday in the Maldives, second prize an Audi TT, third
prize, twenty grand. You would settle for any.
Hang on though. Did you enter the draw? It says to claim your prize you have to call the premium rate number, and calls could last up to ten minutes, they will keep you on hold for god knows how long whilst you have to listen to a pan pipes version of Robbie William’s ‘Let me bastard bloody entertain you‘. Look, just tear it up and throw it in the bin. I know you will be for ever thinking what if, but trust me, you aint won anything.

18.Spearmint rhino has opened in town.

The hottest women on the planet. You cant believe your look, it free membership for the first three months too.
And you think your wife is going to let you go? Dream on sunshine. That is one of the deadly sins of a marriage, along with:

1. Never eat the last quality street before offering it to your wife
2. Don’t hog the duvet.
3. Never fall asleep whilst your wife is talking to you.
4. Don’t criticize your wife’s cooking.
5. Never admit that you think kylie is hot.
6. Don’t arrange to go out with your mates on your anniversary.
7. Never forget your wife’s birthday.

19. You got a free DVD in the Sunday paper.

you love movies, and its free. You don’t care what it is, and even though you wouldn’t normally buy the Sunday paper your going to make the effort to get up and go to the newsagents, even if today is the only chance of a day off, and you had to go to Tesco anyway. What will it be? Jaws? Godfather? Pulp fiction? Dawn of the dead?.

It’s police academy seven. Could have been worse I suppose, I doubt some films ever make it to DVD:

Return to the G eight summit.
Blair which 4 - Another term.
Henman- Eternal optimist.
Conspiracy theory- who killed cock Robin?
Nightmare on Downing street.
Bird flu- killer virus.
Two jags- the john Prescott story.
Mary, Mungo and midge go large.
Top gear- the movie.
Olympic dream 2012.
Dou you want fries with that? Life after boy band.
Litter lout.
Gary- all that glitters isn’t gold.

20. Your bout of the runs seems to be over.

you feel so much better since you took that medication.
Sadly, the girl in the chemist knows you had the runs, and it really was a mistake to go in the hot tub with that hot Swede. Between them they have told everyone, now you will never live it down. People have taken to calling you bubble boy. Isn’t that childish?

21. All the traffic lights are on green.

seems like its your lucky day.
Problem is, your at work too early. You could have had an extra ten minutes in bed if only you had known.

22. The chippy has started opening on Sunday.

Alternative Sunday lunch. That will save you having to chop the veg on a Sunday. You might get an extra half hour to yourself.
Yea, your Sunday lunch was the only time you ate any veg. your not going to get your five daily portions now are you. Get that cholesterol checked, you’re a coronary . in waiting. How long is it since you did any exercise? What happened to your gym membership? 500 quid for a year and you only went three times.

23.She has a twin sister.

That the girl you fancy who works in the chemist, you know the one who thins you are a loser? Well, turns out she has a twin sister, and it seems she does like you.
Ok, the sister is the one with the high IQ, missed out on the looks mind. No, she’s not ugly, but her sister is really hot. Your not that shallow are you? You wouldn’t date someone just because she was eye candy? You would, she looks god on your arm, to show everyone in school that you were able to pull hot totty. That’s how you referred to her isn’t it? Mind you, if she’s that intelligent she may have some answers to your un answered questions:

Do cannibals use a knife and fork?
Is a fish cake actually a cake?
And which fish have fingers?
Should eat all you WANT buffets
Not be called eat all you CAN?
Why does James Bond never age but Q does?
If laughter is the best medicine, why do we not Go to a comedian instead of a doctor?
Is research plagiarism?
How much time is time to kill?
If you sell your body for sex is it sol Or do you still own it?
If you take a vow of silence What happens if you stub your toe?
If its bad look for a black cat to cross your path What happens if you own a black cat?
Is the man who invented bottled water Laughing at us?
How come women can’t go topless but men can?
Men have nipples, and some have man boobs.
How hard is it to be a food critic? You get paid for eating, then say if you like it or not.
Why is there always one house in every road That hasn’t cut the grass and has window frames
That are in dire need of painting?
If our bodies are made up of 70% water Why do we not drown?
Why is there always a message on the answer machine That isn’t for you?
Why do pens always run out when you need to write down
A telephone number?
Why does the electricity only ever trip When it’s dark?
If women are really the weaker sex How come men don’t have the stamina too out live them?
Couldn’t anyone be a TV presenter and use autocue? Isn’t it just reading out loud?
If the best things in life are free. Why so many charity appeals?
Who puts all the cones out on the motorway?
Isn’t nostalgia just old stuff?
Why do you always spill ketchup when your Wearing a white shirt?
Who buys frozen gravy?
How come No matter how much you spend on clothes You Never look like
the bloke in the catalogue?
Why is it that It can be sunny all day but As soon as you leave work it starts
To rain?
Why is it that They have every flavour ice cream But the one you want?
Why does One sock always get lost In the wash?
Why do DJ’s always talks Over the song on the radio When you’re taping it?
Why does The video always cuts
out before The end of the film you taped.?
Why is it that The woman that you fancy never
Fancies you back but the one That you don’t does?
Why does The phone always rings when You get in the bath and it’s Always a wrong number?
Why is it that if You stop drinking and go on A diet and you still put on weight?
Why does The holiday accommodation never Lives up to the brochure

24. It was only a fake anyway.

You knocked over that genuine Victorian lamp that meant so much to your mum on your last visit, but your dad confesses it was just a cheap copy that he picked up at a car boot sale. It was an engagement present, your mum thinks it’s the real thing and has been on about taking it to the antiques road show for years, your dad says ‘no, we don’t want to brag about having it.’
You didn’t realise that your dad was that devious. Better go home and check that signed football shirt he got you for you eighteenth. Are you sure you spell Pelle like that?

25. You’re not the worst driver.

Your best mate has 9 points on his licence. He thinks it makes him look cool. He thinks it is something to brag about, but you wouldn’t brag about the fact that:

Your going for the record for the longest unemployment
You got an ASBO
You flout the high way code
You lied to the wife that you’re working overtime
So you can go out with the mates
You have every STD going but are still sleeping around
You made a mistake at work but let someone else
Take the blame
You pawned your wedding ring to bet on England winning
The world cup
You got arrested for kerb crawling
The two of you have been talking about setting up a cab firm together. The way things are going it looks like you will be doing all the driving. The whole point of becoming self employed is to escape the hours of your current job.

26. You might get a chance to see the Maldives.

I know most of the budget airlines don’t do long hall flights, but the time will come when you can fly as far as the Maldives from your local airport.

Sadly, you may not have much time. If global warming continues as rapidly as it is they say it’s only a matter of time before the islands disappear all together.

27. It may go your way one day.

why do the scales of justice never seem to tip in your favour? It isn’t much of a life when even inanimate objects conspire against you to give you a hard time. The video wont record the programme you tell it to, the car wont start, your umbrella blows inside out, the computer refuses to save the data you tell it too , why is that? Ever wondered? why is it that?

The last quality street. is always coffee?
The bus is only ever early when You’re not in a rush?
The phone lines for the quiz on the radio
Are always engaged when you know the answer?
You always see something on sail after you Bought it at full price?
You always get the trolley with a Wobbly wheel?
You always have to wait five minutes for fish In the chippy?
They always take the programme off you have waited
All week for and replace it with a repeat of Midsummer murders?
It always rains when you want to mow the lawn?
Your always 5p short?
It’s never you?
It’s always a copy?
The toast always burns
you always drop beetroot we hen
You’re wearing a white shirt?
You can never find the end of the Clingfilm?
The celletape always sticks before

28.You’re not over the hill yet.

Charlie Chaplin had a kid when he was in his seventies, and Brucie is still pretty nifty on his feet.
You have started to notice the odd ache and pain though, a few grey hairs. You do know that your youth is slipping further and further away don’t you? I think the only reason your not over the hill is because you don have the energy to get up the hill. There is a check list that will tell you if you are over the hill.

People get up to offer you a seat on the bus.
You start dating mothers instead of daughters.
You realise how old you will be when the Olympics Comes to London.
You start to wear socks in bed.
Your favourite TV show is heartbeat.
You fall asleep before 10pm.
You have nose and ear hair.
You only have sex once in a blue moon.
You subscribe to readers digest5.
You have a comb over.
You wear driving gloves and a flat cap.
You get up twice a night for a pee.
You have a mug of horlics before bed.
You dress like your dad.
You get slippers and socks for Christmas.
You hear a cover version on the radio and can remember
The original, you ask, “Have they changed the key?”
You have to put on cefax because you Can’t hear the TV.
You have the hots for a girl, but you realise
Her parents are younger than you.

29. It’s time for a coffee break.

go on, put your feet up, have a break. You deserve it, its been a hard day.
Sit back and relax. You do realise that caffeine isn’t a cure for a hang over don’t you? That would be the equivalent of sticking an elastoplast over a bullet wound. It may stop the flow of blood for a little while, but the underlying problem wont go away.

You cant sit still can you? Your too hyper. Don’t take this the wrong way, its only a suggestion, but have you ever thought about switching to decaf? You still get the same aroma and taste, perhaps you would sleep a little better at night. You have to admit, your coffee intake is pretty high. What about drinking tea instead? They say one cup of coffee has the same amount of caffeine as five cps of coffee. Sadly, tea makes me run to the loo, and besides, im so used to that caffeine kick now I think I would start to have withdrawal symptoms without it.

30.the girl you fancy asked you to stay the night.

You thought it was going to be your lucky night, you bought a packet of ribbed condoms, put on clean underwear, bought new after shave, you even went out and had a body wax, you didn’t want to look a cheap skate so you took out three hundred quid on your visa, bought a new suit, the works. You bragged to all your mates that the hot chick who worked in accounts had asked you to spend the night, and for that moment, for the first time in your life you were the envy of the entire work force. Go on my son!

Talk about getting the wrong end of the stick. She just wanted you to baby sit her kids whilst she went out with the new guy who started last week. You told her that you liked kids, you were telling her that so that she knew it didn’t bother you that she was a single mum, she thought it was an offer to give her a night off. Sucker! Never make that mistake again, and never:

Go to a wedding or fate in
Midsummer.
Join Jessica Fletcher on
A cruise.
Say “When all this is over I’m going to
Mary my one true love and buy a house by the sea.”
Go camping with a group of attractive teenagers.
Say “What could possibly happen?”
Go into a shower with a full orchestra.
Trust anyone who says “Trust me.”
Pick up a hitchhiker on a deserted
road in a thunder storm.
Say that you don’t believe in the
Supernatural.
Trust a family of Hillbillies.
Go out ion a thunder storm.

But always;

Make sure that the place you’re staying
Is on the map.
Check the phone is connected.
Check that the local sheriff hasn’t been brutally slain.
Have a back up plan.
Tell people where you’re going.
Stick together.
Make sure the roof is up when
Using the screen wash in a convertible.
Be sure you know the difference between
A rissole and a fish cake.

31. She’s kinky.

yes, she likes to play all those games you used to dream about. She wants you to tie her up and dominate her, she wants to be spanked, she wants sex outdoors, in public places, she wants you to take control.

You’ve never been able to assert you authority in any situation have you? You always get tongue tied when you talk to women, how do you think your going to get through this? In your last relationship it was you did as you were told wasn’t it? ‘Yes love, of course love, ill do it love.’ come on, show your authority.

32. You’re not like most men.

The woman that you have started dating tells you that your not like most men, you show your sensitive side, your kind and caring, you go with her to watch a romance at the cinema, you cry at the weepy bits, you really are a new man.

They say most women like men to be men, tough, rough around the edges, macho. Ok, when asked a lot of women will say that they like a sense of humour in a man, like him to be kind and caring, but they also want a man to be a man. Put it this way, were a woman on a date and she had a choice between Sean Bean and Mr Bean, who do you think they would choose? AS it is, most men:

Think they are James Bond.
Think they are boss at home.
Think they can hold their drink.
Think they could eat a very hot curry.
Think they could be a pro footballer.
Think they sound like Elvis on Karaoke.
Think all women fancy them.
Think they are a better driver than the wife.
Secretly have the hots for a woman At work.
Think they are good at DIY.
wear sun glasses so the wife can’t See where they’re looking.
Triple the amount of women they have
Slept with when talking to mates.
Have a secret stash of porn that their wives don’t know about.
Think that their wives don’t know about Their stash of porn.
Think their wives don’t know they have The hots for a woman at work.
Miss the basin when having a pee.
Have peed against a wall when drunk.
Have given a false name and phone number to a woman in a club.
Have scratched the car and blamed the wife.

And most men would never admit that:

They do the ironing
They read woman’s own
They like Take That
They like salads
They are afraid of spiders
They enjoy reading Daniel Steele
They watch Loose women on TV
Their favourite film is Gone with the wind
They are not the boss at home
They have tried on one of their wife’s dresses when they
Were at a loose end
They moisturise every day

33. At least you’re not as much of a looser as some
Of the people on Big Brother.

Where do they find these people anyway? There not like anybody I’ve
Ever met. It seems that 90% of the contestants on TV reality shows are either totally insane, or your basic simpleton. What is it that makes them want to go on television in front of millions and say ,’look at me. I’m a fool’. as for the so called talent shows, x factor, pop idol etc does nobody think to have a quiet word with these people and tell them that under no circumstances are they to attempt to singing public. What gets me is the look of dismay on their faces when Simon Cowel breaks it to them that they cant sing, and sound like Scooby Doo travelling at warp speed. I would love to sing, I would love to get up on the stage and do my Johnny Cash routine but im not deluded into believing I sound like the great man in black. In the same way, I would never toss my self of the top of Beachy head strapped to a frame tent because I know I can’t defy gravity. There are ways of making reality shows more entertaining, a firing squad, lions in an arena like the Romans used to do , Failing that,
how about this group for a fantasy Big Brother?

Victor Meldrew
Basil Fawlty
Albert Steptoe
Alf garnet
Ali G
Edina Monsoon
Patsy stone
Jack Hacket
Liz McDonald
Margo Ledbetter
Nora Batty
Hyacinth Bucket
Homer Simpson

34 .you may see a UFO..

imagine the accolade if you, ordinary Joe could be the one to prove categorically, once and for all that we have been visited by aliens. You know that you have seen a UFO flying over your house. I know everyone says it was a low flying air craft, but you know the truth. You want to sell the story to the Fortean times, but although you know in your heart what you saw everyone is going to ridicule you for years to come
No. Think about this logically. Every time you see a movie on TV when we are visited y Aliens, why do they always choose to go to America? It’s not the only country on the planet. And if aliens had been, as the Carpenters said back in the 70’s ‘Observing our Earth’ I doubt they would like what they were witness too. I can ear them now. “Hey man, lets cancel that trip to Earth. Those Earthlings a bloody mental, they keep killing each other with bombs. well, saves us the bother of an invasion. If we wait they will wipe each other out and the planet will be ours for the taking.”

35. You don’t believe the hype.

Your not falling for all the scare stories they tell you on TV. Global warming? Melting Ice caps? Temperature rise? High collateral? Second coming? Naw, just urban myths. Aren’t they?

URBAN MYTH OR TRUE PENOMENA?

Cats have 9 lives
Elephants never forget
Fish have a two second memory
If you pull a face and the wind changes
You’ll stay like it.
Shop assistants are stupid.
Plumbers are almost extinct.
If you wait long enough two busses will come at once.
If you stay awake long enough you’ll go through the tired barrier.
In some countries they drive on
The wrong side of the road.
Sunday is a day of rest.
The best things come to those who wait.
Soap opera is true to life.
Mice eat cheese.
The grass is always greener on the
Other side.
There is a north/south divide.
You cant lick your own elbow.
If you looser something it will always
Be in the last place you look.

And you have your own alternative sayings:

Red sky at night, rose tinted specks
Red sky at morning, hang over.
He who laughs last was too stupid to get the joke.
A bird in the hand, shit up your sleeve.
The best things come to the bloke at the front of the queue.
You are what you eat. Ill be a king Edward then.
Smile and the whole world think your laughing at them.
Its not over till the fat bloke smacks you in the gob.

36. You might get a few quid for your vinyl collection.

You have several thousand 7” singles stuck up in the loft. You have been looking on e bay and some of them are selling for a fortune. Just imagine if you can get some limited edition coloured vinyl on there and get a few people in a bidding war. It could go for hundreds.
Come on then lets se what you got. Signed Beetles? No. Sex pistols? No, red vinyl Iron maiden? No. ok, how about a first pressing of a Stones record? No so what have you got? Tiffany…Brother Beyond….Sinita…Mr Blobby…..Joe Dolce. You, you bought it. You are partly responsible for keeping Vienna from number one. You git. I love that song. By the way, your record collection sucks. You’ll be lucky to make a hundred quid for it. Didn’t plan for the future did you?

37. You can always throw a sickie.

Just make sure you have a list of excuses ready so you don’t get caught out.
(you can only use the same excuse once)

I was taken hostage by the Borg.
Im a missionary and I had to go into
The Congo to rescue some elephants.
I was having a kinky session last night and
I lost the key to the handcuffs.
All my clothes are dirty.
I was having such a sweet dream I didn’t want to
Wake up.
Im hooked on day time TV.
I lost the car in a poker game in an
On line casino.
The wife was going to throw out my porn
So I had to stay home to keep an eye on it.
I had a zit on my forehead.
I had to rearrange the furniture
Because the fen shui was out of line.
There was a spider in the corner and I
Couldn’t
get to the door.
I couldn’t be bothered.

38. You’re not crazy.

Just because you think you have seen a UFO they all think you are a fruit loop, but your not insane. The people who have taken leave of their senses are the ones who have fallen into the following list.

You jump off a crane with a giant elastic
Band strapped around your ankles?
Your going swimming with sharks? What as. Bait?
Your going in a glider? You know that’s a plane with no engine
Don’t you?
Your going out in public in Jesus sandals?
You’re going to cycle in rush hour traffic?
You voted for Chico on X factor?
You want to cross the channel on a raft?
You really think they walked on the moon?
You think we used to be apes?

I truly pity the families of those who chose extreme sports as a pastime. It’s only going to be a matter of time before they come home broken. What ever convinces these people that it’s safe to slide down a ski slope standing on a baking tray and calling it snow boarding, the only thing between the ground and you is gravity, but gravity only ever goes don.

39. you know what will drive you crazy however?

Crazy frog
Repeats on TV
Rain on days of
Work
Delayed planes
The early morning alarm
Traffic jams
Late busses
People who talk in the cinema.
Fad diets
Crap number one’s
Call centres
Z list celebrities
Wrong movie reviews- if they say its good
I expect it to be!
Misleading headlines
People with clip boards in town
Ann Robinson wearing black and
Pretending to be scary on Weakest link
But then wearing pastel colours and being all smiles
On Test the nation. We know it’s
An act Ann.
Inaudible platform announcements
The price of sandwiches
Spots
1% interest
slugs eating your garden
bottled water
adverts
shopping trolleys with a wobbly wheel.
high street prices
viruses on my computer
people who make speech marks with
their fingers when talking.
inappropriate magazines in waiting rooms
No pudding
Housework
The price of stamps
No NHS dentists
Only a handful of checkouts open
In the supermarket
Standing up on public transport
Because all the seats are taken
Random breathe tests
The cost of living
Stamp duty
Time wasters
Being gazumped
Stupid people
Con men
Not being able to make
People laugh
Grey hairs
My feeble brain
Being poor
bleeping the fxxxxxg swearing on TV after the watershed.

40. YOU KNOW WHAT THEY REALLY MEAN?

Yes, after all these years you have learnt to read between the lines. No one is going to bull shit you ever again.

What they say: What they mean:

IN RETROSPECT- Shit, I didn’t ought to have done that.
WITH ALL DUE RESPECT- your talking bollocks.
LONG TIME NO SEE- I hoped to have seen the back of you.
YOU LOOK WELL- have you put on weight?
MMM VEGGIE CASAROLE- what time does the chippy shut?
FANCY A DANCE?- I haven’t pulled in weeks.
IT LOOKS A REWALLY GOOD FILM- Angelina Jolie gets her kit off.
I AGREE SHE DOES LOOK A SLAPPER- Wow!
I’LL CALL YOU SOME TIME- Bye.

41. YOU MIGHT WRITE A BEST SELLER

They always tell you to write about what you know, but you have led such a dull life you cant think of anything to write. You have loads of plots in your head, and spend hours sitting at the computer getting it all down. You think it sounds fantastic when you read it back to yourself, it’s a sure hit. You’re going to be the next JK Rowling, your books sure to be made into a movie. Your going to be loaded, finally you can quit that job.

I don’t want to be the one to shatter your illusions, but it’s crap. How many rejections letters is it going to take before you give up on the notion that you can write? Three? Four? It is very disheartening to see your hard work rejected, you think it’s just them that don’t know a good thing when they see it. You could always pay to have it published and market it your self, but you will have to do a lot more overtime to pay for that, and then you will be to tired to write anymore. Can you feel your creative juices fading? Yea, well it happens to all of us, don’t give up.

42. DOCTOR WHO IS BACK ON TV

All these years you have been bombarding the BBC with letters pleading with them to bring back Doctor Who. It was the best programme on television during your childhood and your youth, but then, out of the blue it was taken off the air. What a sad ay that was, but it’s back, and it’s bigger and better that ever before. Saturday evenings are back again, David Tennant is easily the best Doctor of all time, and Billie Piper is hot!

The problem is of course, now that Doctor who has proved to be a massive hit on its return the TV companies may try to bring other programmes back that we were glad to see the back of. Imagine Jeremy Beadle’s candid camera, Cilla and her surprise surprise, and worst of all, pets win prizes.

43. YOU DON’T HAVE TO DO ANYTHING YOU DON’T WANT TO.

Yes, its true. You are in charge of your own destiny. If you want to go to the pub then do it, go to the football on Saturday? Why not, go for it. That plasma television, yes, you can buy it if you want to. it is your money after all, you worked hard for that.

A word of advise before you do anything though, ask the wife if it’s ok. You wouldn’t want to get into her bad books again would you? You know what happened the last time, she made you go and sleep in the spare room for days. It’s not that the bed isn’t comfy, but she wasn’t allowing you your conjugal’s and you cant go for too long without that can you?

44.YOU CAN ALWAYS HAVE A HAIR TRANSPLANT.

You have been noticing for some time that you are receding, thinning out on top. If it carries on much longer you’re going to end up with a comb over. Failing that you could plump for a toupee, but then you will have people calling you wiggy. Just shave it off, face facts it’s time to wave goodbye to those locks. I know they were you’re best feature, you were proud of your mullet, but it was beginning to look a little dated anyway. Time to go for a grant Mitchell I think.

There is of course the other alternative. Elton John has more hair now than he had twenty years ago. Every hair surgically attached to your scalp. Once again though we come back to money. It seems you will be doing overtime for the rest of your working life, but it least if the wife isn’t talking to you it gets you out of the hose.

45. THINGS MAY GO YOU’RE WAY.

Yes, one day you may have a change of luck. Just think, your team may win 8-0, and you have a bet on the result. There may be no repeats on TV, you may come home and find the wife draped on the bed in sexy lingerie, Angelina Jolie may move in next door, and you discover that she s a naturist.

Yes, but you would still wind up in the bad book’s, you know you shouldn’t gamble with your wages, your ogling the woman next door, and why do you never compliment your wife on the way she looks? You just don’t care do you?

46.THE TAKE AWAY DOES FREE DELIVERY.

Well as the wife isn’t talking-to you, and she has gone to her sisters for her tea you are left to your own devices. The take away on the high street pushed their menu through your letter box a couple of days before so you feel compelled to place an order. It’s research, you have to try them to se if they are up to scratch, just for future reference. Well , you never know when somebody might ask if you know if any good take a ways in the area.

47. YOU’LL AWAYS HAVE YOUR PORN.

Readers wives, Oriental babes, teen dreams. Crates and crates of them up in the loft. Do you not think your wife is getting a little suspicious every time you go up into the loft and tell her that you just want to go and sort through some papers? You think she hasn’t twigged don’t you? She isn’t stupid women have a sixth sense. It’s not really being unfaithful though is it? Having a fantasy about a woman in a picture. It isn’t as if you will ever actually meet her is it, and as the wife is spending so much time working on her night school project in the third bedroom that she is using as a study what is the harm in entertaining yourself a little?

So, you were snooping at your wife’s project. You don’t like what you found do you? She has as many magazines as you do, Readers husbands, hunks in trunks, toy boys. Wow, you both have a ken interest in porn. You have more in common than you realised, at last a hobby that you can share, just as long as you can bring yourself to look at those tanned, muscular hunks who all have a full head of hair, are no doubt rich, and very sexually active. Perhaps they could teach you a thing or too. Now you have a lot to live up too, you know you could never compete with those blokes. You’re wife however, you know that she is as hot as the women in you’re magazines, maybe it’s time you started to appreciate her a little more.

48. Anyone can take a decent photo now.

with the advent of the digital camera we can all be budding Lord
Lichfields. After all, we can look at the photo before we decide whether we want to accept it or not. We take it again and again until we are happy with the result. In the past all we could do was hope for the best, shoot of eight rolls of film and pray. When we went to the shop to collect the results we would generally find at least three shots of the tiled floor in the hotel lobby, several of somebody’s feet, some with your finger over the lens, and a couple of your own nostrils and you missed out in that once in a life time phototropic opportunity. It isn’t like you’ll see the northern lights or the great barrier reef again is it. Your only option used to be to stick a couple of post cards in the photo album and swear blind you took them. It’s not as If Great aunt Alice is ever going to go to the Arctic circle and see them on sale in the gift shop.

49. YOU DON’T ALWAYS NEED A TITLE

be daring, go on!

50. ALL THE BAD SHIT WILL STOP WHEN YOU DIE.

yes, once you pop your clogs, slip this mortal coil, go to meet your
maker it all ends. And it comes faster than you think. You have grey hairs, you ache when you get out of bed in a morning, cant read the small print? That my friend is old age. Better start on your things to do before you die list.

Eat a deep fried mars bar Summon the devil
Marry and divorce in Vegas
Steel a box of plastic forks from the chippy
Moon behind a news caster
Dress as a woman
Streak at a sporting venue
Refuse to pay your council tax on principle
Photocopy your genitals
Break the sound barrier
Go back in time and tell yourself when you are going
To die, then Prevent it.
Piss off the mob.
Watch every Bond movie back to back
Be abducted by aliens
Have a full body wax
Tell your boss what you really think of him/her
Declare your love for Kylie on her web site
Find god
Search for a cure
Challenge the grim reaper to a game of chess.

The end!

Every town and city in the UK, every region has it's own famous locals.

The Chuckle Brothers....

Those imortal words utterd by Nick Ross at the end of every Crimewatch. I'm shitting myself now, hiding under the duvet in case a mad axe man is in my house.