Andrew's beach front bar

I hear on the radio that this is to make a comeback for a christmas special.

Got me thinking, what other shows do you think should make a come back? (whether or not the actors involved are still living).

Red Dwarf

Porridge

Miami Vice

Black Adder

Open all hours

Quantum leap

Buffy the vampire slayer

X files

so many more.

any sugestions?

Already this morning i've gone through a full pack of travel tissues and it isnt even 9.00. My nose is running like the Niagra falls.

On the bus into work i sneezed, sniffled coughed and spluttered in front of all the other passangers, and they all looked at me like i was some kind of lepor.

To top it off, my hair is sticking up and no amount of gel will flatten it out, and i have a zit on my chin that is visable even under my goatee. Also, although it's pay day today i'm already skint.

Ah well at least if i can make it to five o'clock i get the weekend off. i get one off in three and this is it. Im hoping for good weather, but with my luck.....

have a good day everyone.

No, dirty minds....

I was talking about wagon wheels, which i just ate and i swear they used to be much bigger.

As i am convinced were Monster munch, which i had a pack of pickled onion ones the other day.

Oh, and Mick Hucknel from simply red is on the radio as i type here, and he just said women find him irrisistable, and every woman he encounters swoons.

Do you think he should shower more?

It is twenty years since our home boys here in Rotherham, the chuckle brothers chuckle vision first hit our screens.

That same act is still making them money to this day.

It just goes to show you can flog a dead donkey and still make a living out of it.

There was going to be a punch line, but i cant think of one, so..

to you , to me, to you, to me.....

and here i sit eating (or do you drink soup) an Ainslet Harriot chicken and leek soup and a smoked ham and mustard sandwich, and i'm bloody frozen.

I cant beleive the draft that is whisteling through the window behind me.

Hope the weather picks up, suposed to be going to Castleton for the day on Saturday.

Mathew must be in his twenties now. Do you think he will be embarresed by this?

Oh, and yes, I did buy it.

telephone rings.

ME: Hello, Wellgate arts and crafts.

WOMAN: Do you sell photo glue?

ME: Photo glue, what is it for?

WOMAN: for sticking photographs in a scrap book obviously.

ME:
Well we sell lots of glue, PVA. Prit stick, paste..

WOMAN:
No. thats not what i want.

Line goes dead......

I was coming to my stop, so i got up and pressed the bell, you know the type on the roof thats like a black plastic strip running the length of the bus.

pressed it several times, but it didnt do anything.

some bloke tapped me on the sholder and said, 'you do know thats not a bell dont you?'

I was thinking, 'well obviously i dont or i wouldnt be trying to press it would i?'

but before i go i just wanted to ask, does anybody watch Eastenders, and if so...

who was the bloke who locked Ian Beal in that room at the end of Fridays episode? are we suposed to recognise him?

I have watched Eastenders since day one, and i dont.

At the weekend, here in Rotherham several rabbits and guinipigs were stolen out of a garden.

In the early hours of the morning animal remains were smeered on cars and posted through letter boxes.

How sick would you have to be to commit such a crime?

Evil fucking bastards.

The shower is broken

I cant access my e mail account. (Invalid e mail address, unrecognised domain) How can it be?

My wife took the day off work to take her car in for some repairs but when she got there the garage hadnt ordered the parts.

This morning the subway was flooded and i had to paddle through thre inches of water.

Just had an altercation with a customer who was having a go at me because her paintings were still not fraimed and she said she needed them for tomorow but when she brought them in she said she didnt require them until Thursday.

arghhh!!!!

Was short lived when i tried a spot of DIY in the kitchen and ballsed it up.

Ended up rowing with my wife.

My smug head.

Cooked steak for tea and My wife said it was the best mal she had 'ever' eaten.

I said 'Ever?'

she said 'yes.'

A short while ago I was standing out in ther street chatting to a friend , who happens to be of African decent.

A car raced by at speed, two 'youths' hung out of the wndow as they wizzed by and yelled out the N word at my friend.

I was stunned for a while, and thought perhaps i was mistaken. I turned to my friend and asked, did they say what i thought they said, he said yes, it happens now and again.

I was apalled to see that People still have that attitude.

Or some such thing, me harties.

I supose i aught to get into the spirit of things ship mates.

so, here goes, jim lad!

Regards andrew.bedell
life is short, dont have a small cock all your life
Kento Jecny

Who's been talking?

Got on the bus this morning. Full of school kids, every seat taken, one kid to a seat, bags beside them, or legs out stretched, people standing. fought my way to the stairs, staggered up, same again, every seat taken by one child, bags beside them.

I sit beside a kid, he grunts and moves his bag reluctantly.

so why are these kids afraid of being seen sitting beside their mates?

it's so anoying.

You know when you are on a plane, and you have a life jacket under your seat?

I want a parachute instead.

Under a notice about bank services is a sign that reads:

"This notice is also avaliable in brail."

who is that aimed at, blind people?

should that not be in brail?

It asso says

"avaliable in other languaghes. please ask for details."

But if you dont speak English.....

from performing at the 2012 olympics because they are to British and may offend other nations!

Sometimes i suffer terible writers block, i can sit at the lap top for hours and not write a single word.

My mind is just mush and there are no words in there.

Last night was the total opposite, i sat at the lap top and wrote twelve pages of dialogue for my script, it just semed to flow freely from me.

It was late, i was tired, my eye was half on Phoenix nights that i had taped a little earlier, so the crunch will come later this morning when i read it again and discover wheter i wrote a pullitzer prize winner or a real turkey.

fingers crossed.

Buying Milk and bread, yep just the two items.

The guy on the check out said, "Do you need a hand with your packing?"

I was like, "No mate, I think I got it covered."

I just got to work, went for my keys to open the shop and realised i have left home without them.

Most days i lock up as I leave, but this morning my wife was in the garden pegging out the washing, so i forgot to pick them up from the bowl they live in.

Tried calling home to tell her, but she aint answering the phone and her mobile is off. I hope she dont plan on going too far today, as i wont be able to get in when i get home.

bugger!

But this packet of nuts says, 'may contain traces of nuts.' what do they expect it to contain? an octipus?

Also, i had some biscuits that said:

allegy advice. No nuts.

factory. no nuts

can not gaurantee nut free.

what, the nuts stowed away did they?

or is it just me?

Seems to take ages to swich from my friends posts and back to my blog again.

anyone else noticed?

My eyes are watering.

i am seeing double.

Just carrying a chair, i caught it against a sticky out shelf, and rammed the leg into my groin.

crunched the bollocks.

i feel sick.

HISTORY (Streets of desire)

(verse one)

I’ve been stalkin’ these streets of desire
For too long baby
I’ve been searchin’ to see if I could make it home
(cant make it home no, cant make it home)
I been talkin’ to strangers for too long
I need some cold comfort
My bloodshot eyes remain blind to the ways of the world.

(verse two)
The gin in my veins burns like fire

Tell the truth can you trust me
(please say you trust me oh baby trust me)
Would you take me back if I mended my wild ways?
Hand on your heart
Could you close your eyes to our history?
Promises come back to haunt you don’t give up the ghost.

(chorus)

Is your mind forgiving Cause life is for living
Perhaps I played wilder than most
The coffee is bitter I despise my bed sitter
Would you let me back into your heart?
If ever I hurt you it wasn’t pre planned
Its just the way fate took a hand
I’m begging give me a chance.

(verse three)

Come to bed eyes caught my mind
I was waiting for Hendrix
(the blues still have me, the blues still own me)
A woman to lay or a night on the tiles with the boys
I hear purple haze and I fall to my knees its my weakness
Passions run dry when you take the blues out of me.

(repeat chorus)

(Bridge)
I say promises come back
The ghost it will haunt you forever
Now I’ll never make it cause life did the dirty on me
I cant even back track
No doubling back will not help me
Believe me when I tell you life did the dirty on me.

(repeat chorus to fade)

ANOTHER LURID TALE

(verse one)

I heard the story of the seven veils
I heard so many lurid tales
I heard the one about the rock and the roll
Lost alone by the gallows pole.

(verse two)

All washed up on the Marie Celeste
All these pirates oh they do digest
Aztec, Inca will you flight or flee
Cause Cleopatra aint got nothing on me.

(chorus)

But on the grape vines lies they spread
Seventeen women sleeping in my bed
A bottle of Bud and a whisky chaser
What’s the secret of the Human race sir?

(verse three)

Have you heard the tone of the Mocking bird?
My friend this thing is so absurd
White satin lover child wild and free
Don’t divulge your dreams to me.

(bridge)

Just take a vow to love me true
Don’t ever leave me
Don’t leave me blue.

(verse four)

Stay away from the seven veils
And forget the lurid tales
Cause the lies will continue to spread
You wont escape even when your dead.

(repeat chorus to fade)

DOG DAY AFTERNOON

(verse one)

Wont you say ‘hello’ To those Humpty Dumpty men
I don’t think they know The reason for the wall
(What is the wall?)
the kings men side by side in satin slippers
smoking cigars waiting for the day trippers.

(verse two)

It was raining again
(the skies are grey)
Jeckyl and Hyde was the man of the match
He played on both sides
(He’s too faced)
he had his own rules but the ref couldn’t fault them.

(Chorus)

It’s a dog day afternoon
School is over for the summer
The politicians wife Sings for the children
Lifts up her skirt What’s she got under?

(verse three)

In suburbia life just gets duller
They all moved away Gone to join petunia
She knows how to live
(that funky girl)
life for her is one long party.

(repeat chorus)

(verse four)

don’t you feel those little earth quakes
they wont do you any harm
so glad to hear that Tori has learnt to read
her piano sounds so grand
sometimes it even makes me weep.

(Repeat chorus)

dog day afternoon
it’s a dog day afternoon

(repeat to fade)

HE CALLS FOR A SONG

Spoken: ‘extra extra read all about it Killer on the loose….

(verse one)

He’s out on the prowl again He’s taken a life again
He can’t understand why they say it’s wrong
He’s been doing it for so long He wants to be free again
His eyes need to see again
If they do he’ll see its wrong Maybe call out for a song.

(Chorus)

someone is sad again
and someone is mad again
and somebody saw his face
she said he should be in disgrace.

(verse two)

The Guys on the fire again The rain’s on the plain again
He says he hates all the human race Then he turns to show his face
They’ve brought in the law again
He’s stolen a car again
But yes he hates all the human race He thinks it’s they should be in disgrace.

(Verse three)

The cats at the door again A mans in the dock again
And somehow it seems unreal What are all these things that he feels?
The teachers will teach again The preachers will preach again
And someone banged a gong He called out for a song.

(repeat chorus)

(Verse four)

He shoots someone down again The cops open fire again
He wont give up his gun Or even turn and run
He’s marched to the jail house He acts timid as a mouse
But the ravings in his head
Make him wish that he was dead.

(repeat chorus)

Oh someone is sad again…

CADILLAC MAN

(verse one)

Television maniac
riding in a Cadillac
fires his weapon
one-two-three
everyone is dead but me.

(verse two)

What the hell am I to do
how can I live without you?
I want you back oh I cant live
I’ll take my life or take a trip.

(chorus)

I smoke my dope
I don’t feel so bad
LSD is all I’ve had
ecstasy and coke and hash
bring them here
I’ll pay in cash.

(verse three)

Things are twisted in my head
it wont be long until I’m dead
Kylies on the radio
I wish she was in my bed

(verse four)

drugs are messing up my life
wish I’d taken their advice
told my mate to go to Hell
pushed him in the bloody well

(repeat chorus)

(verse five)

I watch TV in black and white
cops and robbers have a fight
when the bad guy takes a fall
the hero and his entourage all walk tall
and on the streets I meet the man
to get my stuff life’s down the pan.

(repeat chorus to fade)

COTTAGE OF CONTENT

(verse one)

I’ve been seeking shelter at the cottage of content
I’m ashamed to tell you
That my life was never that well spent
I never chased a rainbow never caught a falling star
I’m something of a homebody I never wandered very far.

(verse two)

I’ve been telling tales about suffering and need
But on the whole I guess
That they were very obsolete
I’ve got enough to eat a place to lay my head
there are people on the street a cold doorway their only bed.

(chorus)

why are we never satisfied with what we have to hold
why must me hang around
on every word the profits foretold
the Earth still turns, the sun still shines
as long as you have a heart beat
never let them drag you down.

(repeat first verse)

(repeat chorus)

At the cottage of content
Your life will be well spent
At the cottage of content

(repeat chorus to fade)

TATTOOED DEVIL BOYS
(verse one)

Raindrops like tears
Fall on glass like our fears
In the hands of a slave
Or a child on a cold night.

(verse two)

Pumpkins with candles
And smiles like a demon
Sweets for your sweet
As you wait for your dark night.

(chorus)

Dear Myra Ellen do you love them wild boys
Men with tattoos and that air of danger
Touched just a little
By the hand of the devil?

(Verse three)

Dressed in your leather
You worship the weather
The rain it still claims you
It’s always controlled you.

(bridge)

you're nude on your stool
the ivory haunting you
why do your dreams do this every night?

(repeat chorus to fade)

ALL SONGS C. ANDREW BEDELL.

You know what i'm finding really anoying? The way TV channels advertise the next programme before the programe you're watching has actually finished.

Five or so minutes before the end a little box will pop up in the corner of the screen 'COOMING NEXT'.

or, worse still during the closing credits they shrink the screen to postage stamp size and preview the next show and thus preventing me from prooving to my wife that i was right about cop no.2 being played by the same bloke who was the bloke in the bus crash in the previous weeks Holby city.

Also, if i'm taping the show (sshh!) and intend on keeping it, then i have the preview of the next show that i have no intention of watching, let alone taping for the whole of eternity (or untill the tape gets chewed).

Jst stop, tell us what the next show is after the show we are watching has finished, and that means the noment the end credits stop rolling.

Thanks for your time.

Rant over.

Deep breaths, calmness and serenity...

I am just framing a gurkhers knife, bloody big thinhg it is too, knowing me i shall probably chop of a finger, or worse still a limb if yesterday accident fest of a day is anything to go by.

Need to make a box to frame it cos it's so big, just painted the timber, and whilst i wait for it to dry i thought i would share this with all you wonderfull people in Blogs ville.

I was talkinmg to a friend last night, and he shared with me an incident from last weekend.

He went to a fancy dress party, and whilst there 'copped off' with a woman, as they were both heavily made up they could not see each others faces too well, but found that they had a great deal of physical atraction towords each other, and both feeling quite randy sneeked off for a little bit of hows your father.

Turned out, once out of costume the woman was his boss....not that much of a bad thing you may say, and normally it wouldnt have been, but he had been on the sick for the past three weeks, and here he was partying away like a trooper and pissed out of his head on Stella.

He says he cant see why he was sacked, and wants to claim un fair dismisal.

Full milk

tastes odd

prefer semi skimmed

flap jack

crumbs in the keyboard

blog

Aerosmith on the radio

sweating like a pig

out of lynx spray

phone call from the wife, going shopping after work, get my own tea.

pub it is then.