Andrew's beach front bar

Is it just me, or are those so called 'executives' on The apprentice realy thick?

Greeting cards to save the planet? What, by killing trees?

And Singles day. Is that not like a kick in the teeth?

"Heres a card just to say, "You can't geT a Girlfriend/boyfriend...."

well foookinn wup-de-do, thanks for pointing that out. Bit cruel dont you think?

My blog just vanished into the stratosphire for a while.

There were no friends blogs, and everyones picture just became those silouette things when people dont up load a picky.

Also, i had no comments on any of my posts, all gone. Now back again.

Strange!

A guy on the radio just claimed he manages to live on £700 a year.

He brushes his teethe with twigs, and washes in his own urine. He gets his clothing from the dumpit site, and grows his own food - he lives on a very basic diet.

He wraps his poo in newspaper, seals it in plastic bags and buries it in the soil as manure for his vegies.

He recons flush toilets and running water are damaging the planet. He does not use any form of heating, wraps himself in foil to keep warm.

He's a vegan, and recons we should all sustain from eating meat.

Ali carter has avvheived his first televised 147 break. Ronnie O'Sullivan who had 147 before him now has to split the one hundred and forty seven thousand pounds prize money with him.

Cliff Thorban who was the first player to get a televised 147 back in the eightes won a megre sixty five thousand.

No player has got a 147 in a torniment and then gone on to win.

We have just come to the end of a five year fuel contract where we were paying 5p per unit for electricity. The new fee is 18p per unit, but because we missed the 909 day get out clause we are tied in and can not get out of it.

The last quarterly bill at 5p per unit was £300. What the hell is it going to be next winter? Looks like thermals are going to be on next years christmas wish list.

Under the lease for the shop we are not even allowed to use callor gas heaters bewcause we sell flamables.

May I just say, Mister or misses BNP candidate, get off my step, stop ringing my bell and stopping pushing your 'political' shite through my letter box.

They opened a chippie next door to us, there goes my diet. (We are on the other side, just of the photo).

Some guy on the radio just asked, "Oh, do people go to the theatre in the North of England?"

We dont all breed ferets and wear flat caps you know, some of us can even read and write!

We ordered a customer three prints from one of our suppliers, and they just arrived, in a tube, six prints...
Six? Hold on, we only ordered three. So what are the other three?

Yup, there is our invoice confirming our three, ohj, and another invoice for three others, a Lowri, and two sketches of Dante's decent into Hell.....invoiced to somebody in Ontario, Canada.....so why have they come to Rotherham, South Yorkshire?

Was awoken this morning by sunlight through the curtains, casting shadows from the trees onto the wall, and to the sound of bird call. I tossed off the duvet, and for the first time in ages didnt feel the cold.

I may be risking it a bit, but i have put the winter clkothing into a bin liner ready to go into the loft when i get home, and bring down the summer stuff, shorts and flip flops.....

I may also go and buy a bag of charcoal and some fire lighters, cos it must be nearly BBQ season.

Hello.......

Closer.

Closer.

Closer.

I have the lerg....runny nose, sore throat.. I dont want to be the only one to suffer. I thouht i would share it.

go on, come a little closer, dont be shy....

Daniel Craig....

Yup, I saw my wife drooling when he came out of the sea in Cassino Royale, just as I did when Halle Berry did in Die another day.

It's the smoothness she likes, that hair free chest. I dont have a hair free chest, far from it, i have hair all over.

Michele wants me to be clean shaven, but i recon a whole body wax is going to hurt and i am a coward when it comes tyo anything that involves pain.

Cos they said on the news its 'cushy'.

Imagine if all major retailers started making their own condoms and
kept the same tag-line...

Sainsbury Condoms - making life taste better
Tesco Condoms - every little helps
Nike Condoms - Just do it.
Peugeot Condoms - The ride of your life.
Galaxy Condoms - Why have rubber when you can have silk.
KFC Condoms - Finger licking good.
Minstrels Condoms -melt in your mouth, not in your hands.
Safeway Condoms - Lightening the load.
Abbey National condoms - because life is complicated enough.
Coca Cola condoms - The real thing.
Ever Ready condoms - keep going and going.
Pringles condoms - once you pop, you cant stop
Burger King Condoms - Home of the whopper
Goodyear Condoms - for a longer ride go wide
FCUK condoms - no comment required.
Muller light condoms - so much pleasure, but where's the pain.
Halfords condoms - we go the extra mile.
Royal Mail condoms - I saw this and thought of you.
Andrex condoms - Soft, strong and very very long
Renault condoms - size really does matter!
Ronseal condoms - does exactly what it says on the tin
Ronseal quick-drying condoms - its dry and waterproof in 30 minutes
Domestos condoms - gets right under the rim!!! (Eeeuww!!.....)
Heineken condoms - reaches parts that other condoms just cannot >reach
AA Condoms - for the 4th emergency service
Pepperami condoms - it's a bit of an animal
Polo condoms - the condom with the hole
Carlsberg condoms - probably the best condom in the world

I woke up this morning feeling so much better, and I am back at work.

It's good to have shaken off that virus or bug or what ever the Hell it was. I think perhapos I should start to take sonme vitamin tablets, or change my diet and eat more veg.

Anyway, lots of work to catch up on so i better dash.

Spent most of yesterday, and the better part of today doubled over in pain.

Pooping and puking so to speak...Hardly eaten anything.just drinking water (boring)

Having withdrawal symptons from my regular 8 cups of coffee a day.

Begining to feel a little better now. May go back to work tomorow.

thanks for the concern guys.

Night all.

In my right side, like someone is stabbing me with a screwdriver.....

Going home, going to bed, going to call the Doctor...

And it's just as I left it at five o'clock on Friday. Hard to beleive the whole weekend has passed, feels like I was only just here. Why does the weekend go so fast?

You can bet this week is going to drag again.

What a cold misserable weekend it's been. Is it suposed to be this cold in April?

Nothing much on TV, it's not fit to go anywhere other than the shopping mall, but it's to crowded on a Sunday afternoon and I hate fighting my way through the crowds.

Just got back from Tesco and that was buisy enough, bought some nice steaks which I'm goiung to go and cook in a little while, fry it with mushrooms and onions and then bung it in the oven for about two hours so it melts in the mouth.

So what sort of a weekend is everybody else having?

Is that the more relatives you have the more presents you get on your Birthday??

Is it juist me, or do you have to be mad to want to go swimming with sharks?

What does it say to a shark when you go down in one of those cage type tingies? Diver cassaroll, chicken in a basket.

I supose if the alternative is going on X factor though, I mean when you think about it sharks and simon Cowel have a lot in common, well they will both rip you to shreds, and at least the shark doesnt do it on prime time telly in front of millions of people.

I dont understand what it is about reality shows that brings out so many mental people. It's as if some sort of becon goes out that the rest of us cant here, 'Helo mental people...come and make an arse of your self.'

They are so dissalusioned..."i sound just like Madonna."

No. You sound like Mad Donna who works in the chippy.

I would love to make a carea as a rock star, but i know I cant sing, in the same way I know I cant fly. Thats why I wont leap of beachy head strapped to something that resembles a frame tent, or a giant elastic band.

I feel as though a massive weight has been lifted from my mind, like a black cloud has moved away and allowed the sun to shine down on me. I feel like the covers have been taken from my eyes and allowed me to see, the earmuffs removed and allowed me to hear.

in the mean time, all is well.

I feel I know everyone on here well enough to reveal my deep dark secret. I would understand if some of you chose to remove yourselves from my friends list after this is revealed, I wont hold it against you. I just feel that I canot keep this hidden any longer, so here it is.....

My name is Andrew and I am a Britney Speers fan.

Well, I say fan, more of an admirrer....Its that school girl uniform, and those pig tails and the way she wiggles her tush...

I know she's having a lot of problems of late, and I would offer to mother her, well, be an emotional crouch so to speak.

Britney, if you read this and are interested cal me on ..........maybe not!!

When I left work at 5.00 and strolled through Rotherham town centre I walked into a large gathering of people in the square. I heard a disembodied voice, and it was a voice I recognised, then I saw the owner of the voice on a stage....The naked chef, yup Mr Sainsburies himself, Jamie Oliver.

He's in Rotherham to promote his new TV show which apparently is going to teach us to eat healthily.

He picked a woman out, who it seems he has been teaching to cook, and who claimed that up until three months ago had never cooked, and lived on ready meals and take aways. So what could she cook now?

Pasta, pancakes and chicken.....Haardley a culinary whatsname is it?

Dont forget, it was three women from Rotherham who 'rebelled' against Mr Olivers healthy food in schools and were found feeding burgers and chips to them under the railings. The same women who Jamie refered to when he was a guest on Top Gear as 'Those Rotherham scrubbers'.

There should be a moral to this story, but I cant think of one , so insted I'll end on a song...

#Somewhere over the rainbow way a pie....#

It seems to have been raining all after noon, the forcast said 'showers'. So whats this, the Extended version?

ITV has decided not to show episode two of pushing daisies, and go straight to episode three.

Why? Because there are nine episodes, and they only have an eight week slot in the scedule because of Euro 2008.

How stupid is that?

I dont like football, and were not even in it.

Look at the choices, sweaty man in shorts or Anna Friel...I know what side i'm on.

My tooth just broke whilst I was eating a bacon buttie, just cracked in too.

Spose that means I better find a dentist, not been to one for about ten years.

But it seems to me Boris means mad.

Look at the evidence..

Yeltsin.

Johnson.

need I say more?

Michelle was off too so this afternoon we went to a Retail park.

Went into HMV and bought sereis two of 'What ever happened to the likely lads?' on DVD, watching it now.

We went into Matalan looking for curtains,but they dont sell them, BHS did, but they know how to charge.....

Also in Matalan we were loking at dinner sets, and noticed something very strange indeed....

a sisteen piece dinner set, 4 dinner plates, 4 side plates, 4 bowls and 4 cups £16.

a twelve piece set, as above but witout the mugs £18. (how can it cost more? - it's the same make, in the same box)

We also went into Morrrisons, and called in the restaraunt for lunch. Stood by the sign that said 'Order hot food here.', and the woman behind the counter looked at us, then turned and started fiddling with the tea machine, then walked away. A short while water she came back and started putting cakes and buns in the fridge, still we waited. Then she turned to us and asked,

"Oh. are you wanting food?"
"No." I said. "I thought we would just stand here and inhail the aroma from the kitchen."

What did she think we were standing there for?

I'm eating a cream bun now as I write, from Morrisons, along with a nice bottle of red wine.

All in all a pretty productive day.

The Simpsons has been banished from the TV schedule in Venezula because it is claimed to corupt childrens minds.

They have replaced it with Baywatch...

And in other news, Pete Doherty has finaly received a jail; sentence....that one was a long time in coming. Do you think the rest of us would have lasted as long as he did if we were in his shoes?