This is part of my script that was returned by the BBC with a 'nice' rejection letter.
It is part of a set of seven monologues about different people who are goiung through a rough time for a variety of reasons.
This is the first one.
Come up on Angelina Malone sitting on a hospital bed. She is in her late thirties/early forties with long auburn hair. She is wearing a nightdress. Bandages cover her eyes. She speaks with a deep Liverpudlian accent.
The doctor’s still don’t know whether the damage is going to be permanent. They tell me that it depends on how well the wounds heal. The only thing I can do is wait. I’ve never been very good at that; I get impatient really easily. They told me that I was very fortunate to be alive, a miracle Petra, Sister Dyson said. She said, “You must have a guardian Angel watching over you.” I don’t believe in angels. I don’t believe in God. A God could never be so cruel, to allow so much pain in a world that he is supposed to have created. I didn’t say anything; I get the impression that her faith means a lot to her. I had a visit from Mr Campbell-Gore, the consultant this morning; I asked him again, “What are the chances of my sight being saved?” I must be beginning to sound like a stuck record, I can’t help it. I’m scared. He said, “I wouldn’t like to say at this stage.” I said, “Can you not hazard a guess?” He said, “Angelina.” and he took hold of my hand. “I know it isn’t easy.,” he said, “But the only thing we can do is wait and see.” I heard him stumble over the word ‘see’, then he was on his way again, more patients than he knows what to do with. I feel for the NHS staff, they work so hard.
Pause
Hank’s been to visit me every day. I love to hear his voice. He reads to me, books, the paper and poetry, some of it his own. I miss being able to read. Hank brought me some audio books in for when he isn‘t here, but it isn’t the same. I feel bad about taking up all his free time; if he isn’t at work or asleep then he’s here. I don’t want him to visit me because he feels he has too, I would hate for him to feel pressured to stay with me, like he felt un able to leave me. I’m a big girl; it won’t break me if he finishes things.
Pause
I was anxious that I was going to be disfigured. My head went through the windscreen, shards of glass in both eyes, damaged my retinas. Everyone reassures me I don’t have a mark on me; tell me I look as stunning as ever. I guess I just have to take their word for that don’t I? I bet I look a right sight. I wouldn’t normally be seen dead in public without my slap on, I wont answer the door in a morning till I’ve done my hair and my lippy. I have to rely on other people to do my hair for me now. I had a wash and blow yesterday from the hospital hairdresser Clive, lovely lad, Gay, chatty. He was wearing CK one, I recognised the smell, Becky my sister wears it. I am noticing smells a lot more now. My hearing is stronger as well. I can hear footsteps down the other end of the corridor. I hear the night staff chatting too, they try to whisper but I hear every word. Recon I could hear a pin drop, never find it in a haystack though.! You have to keep your sense of humour don’t you? Go mad otherwise. I said to Clive, ’I’m a hairdresser too’. Note to self, get used to talking in the past tense…was a hairdresser. Woman in the next bed, Carrie said yesterday, “oo it’s a beautiful sunny day.” I said, “Is it? I have no perception of whether it is light or dark.,” she said, “Yes. What a sparkling azure sky. It’s a Shame were stuck in here. We could be in the park feeding the ducks.” I used to do that when I was a kid, it made me smile thinking about it. I’m going to miss that. So many sights I wanted to see. So many sights…
Pause
I always had this dream that I would be a professional musician, but it never happened. I wanted to play the harp, I know it sounds silly. Everyone said to me, “Why the harp?“ I said, “I don’t know, I just like the sound”. I have got one, had to teach myself to play, I’m not too bad if I do say so myself. My other dream when I was little was to buy a camper van and just hit the road. “The world is your oyster Angelina.” my Nana used to say. “Don’t make the same mistakes I made. There’s a big world out there and I never saw any of it.” I asked her, “do you regret marrying Grand dad?” she said, “Your Granddad was the best thing in my life. He was a wonderful man, the best.” I said, “so you were happy then?” and she said, “Always. But it’s a different world now.” I know what she meant; back then the gender rolls were set in stone weren’t they? Men and women knew what was expected of them. It’s not like that now; men and women are just the same in a lot of ways, jobs and stuff I mean. My Nana would have never been able to do my job, when she was my age she had seven kids, my mum, and her three brothers and three sisters. Granddad helped out around the house, he cooked and cleaned the house. That was unusual for men at that time. Nana used to say he was her rock. She said they both knew what the other was thinking, like they had some kind of telepathy going on. Towards the end of his life Gramp’s was really ill, emphysema. It got so that he could barely walk to the bathroom without having to stop for breath half way. I think it was a godsend when he finally lost the battle. Nana said he was only hanging on for her sake, and she knew he was suffering, and she knew he was in agony. One night she took his hand and said, “It’s OK Jack. You can let go, I’ll see you again on the other side.” he kissed her, smiled and then closed his eyes. Nana had twelve years without him before she died; pneumonia took her in the end, same hospital, as Granddad died in. They are together at last, at peace.
Pause
I’ve seen people on the television before, relatives of victims, people who have been killed, victims themselves, who are left disabled, and they say things like, “I don’t hold a grudge, I forgive them.” Would I be a bad person if I said that I don’t absolve the person who did this to me of any guilt? I cant, he has destroyed me, ruined my life. How can I forgive that? I’ve heard people say ‘don’t be bitter.’ but I am bitter, God I am I bitter. When I first woke up after the accident, when I opened my eyes, and I couldn’t see I sobbed. ‘Why me?’ I yelled, ‘why me? What have I ever done to anybody?’ It doesn’t work like that though does it? Ghastly things don’t only happen to bad folks.
Fade
Come up on Angelina playing her harp. She is still in the hospital ward. She plays for a few minutes, and then stops.
They thought it might be good for me, a form of therapy. They said I had to find something that I enjoyed. Hank brought the harp in for me; I always used to play when I was feeling down. Used to cheer me up. Worked every time, but not today.
Fade
Come up again. Angelina is back on the bed.
I’m going stir crazy in here. I hate being cooped up. Hank took me out to sit in the hospital grounds yesterday. They dedicated a bench to one of the Doctors who used to work here. He retired a few years ago, went travelling with his wife. He was very esteemed; you still hear the staff talking about him now like he was some kind of Messiah. They said it was as if he had healing hands, patients that they thought stood no chance of recovery made it against all the odds. Not sure how true it was, sounds like stories to me.
Pause
Pity he isn’t still around, he could test the theory out on me.
Pause.
Whilst we were sitting on the bench in the grounds Hank asked me to marry him. It came out of the blue, stunned me a little truth be told. I said, “Why now?” and he said, “I’ve been thinking about it for a while.” I didn’t give him an answer. I told him I had too much on my mind right now, but I will think about it, I said to him that if he still felt the same way in a month or so to ask again. I think he thought I was knocking him back. I couldn’t see the look on his face, but he sounded very flat. It’s not that I don’t want to be with him, I do, of course I do, I know he loves me, and I love him, but he doesn’t know what he’s taking on. I will need so much doing for me without my sight; everything will be down to him, cooking, cleaning, and shopping…. What if it all gets too much? What if he gets bored? I couldn’t bear to have him end up hating me.
Fade
Come up on Angelina sitting on her bed. There is a meal on a plate on the table before her. She picks at it with a fork. Food is getting pushed of the pate. She tries to use a knife and fork to cut it, but when she raises the fork to her mouth it is empty. After as couple of attempts she gets angry and feels for the plate, flicking it onto the floor. She sobs.
Fade
Come up on Angelina on the bed again.
I can’t even dress myself properly. How will I ever be able to go clothes shopping again? They could dress me up as a clown and I would have no idea. Is it bad to wish this onto somebody else? If it is then I’m sorry, but it’s the way I feel. I can’t help it. I don’t know what speed the driver of the other car was doing, but he came right at me. I had no chance. Eyewitnesses said that I was tossed into the air like a rag doll. I was crossing at the lights, I waited for the green man. I saw him come at me, and I thought to myself, “He’s not slowing down.”. They thought I was dead for sure; I hit the bonnet and my head went through his windscreen such was the force of the impact. I hope they throw the book at him. God I want him to pay for what he’s done. It was a Subaru apparently, When I first heard that I thought, ‘yea, boy racer’. But they said it wasn’t a boy racer, it was some middle aged bloke, never been in trouble in his life.
Pause
He’s on suicide watch in prison they tell me. I said, “Good. I hope he does kill himself.” Becky said, “You can’t mean that.” I said, “I bloody do. Bastard deserves to die.” I mean it too, I’m not just sounding off. I hope he fucking kills himself.
Pause
No I don’t.
Pause
Carrie came over this morning, asked if I would like to share her Toblorone with her, she said, “It’s one of those big ones. Plenty to go around.” I think it was just her way of starting up a conversation. If it had been up to me I would have done it ages ago, but it isn’t easy when you aren’t able to make eye contact. Megan on the other side came over too, pulls up a chair and asks, “Room for a little one?” and before you know it were chatting away like a house on fire. Anyone who heard us would assume we’d been mates forever. Megan brought a magazine, offered to read some of it to me. I thought that was really nice of her, especially as she has worries of her own.
Pause
I don’t think I would get through this without Hank. He really is a rock. To be honest I am surprised about how together he has been. I never realised he had so much strength. I’ve never wanted to be a Burden on anyone. Ever since I can remember I wanted to stand on my own two feet. There were girls I was at school with who just wanted to find a rich man who would shower her with goodies, and become kept women. I cant think of anything worse than having to rely on somebody for everything. I couldn’t wait to get a job, to start earning, get some savings in the bank. I bought my first house when I was seventeen, property was a lot cheaper then. Most of the people I was at school with were more interested in going clubbing every night rather than getting on the property ladder. I wanted to find my special someone and settle down. Things seldom go to plan though do they? I think it was seeing what my parents went through when I was at school. Dad was a minor, out on strike in the early 80’s, we had no money coming in, came so close to losing everything, the house, the car, the lot so nearly gone. Mum was a staff nurse at the local hospital, good money but without dads wage coming in we struggled. I got a job after school, weekends, working in my aunties hairdressers salon, washing hair and sweeping up, menial stuff to begin with but my wage brought in a few extra pounds to the household kitty. Becky was never so keen to work, she was out with her mates most weekends, getting drunk on cheap lager in the park. In the end dad got another job, re trained. To this day he cant mention Maggie Thatcher without getting a lump in his throat.
Pause
They’re doing ok now, running a B and B in Blackpool. They are both happier now than they have been for years. Mum says I will have to go and stay with them, move in and let them look after me, I love them to bits, but I don’t think I could sand to be living under the same roof again. I have to learn to stand on my own two feet again, I guess it’s one of those things that you just have to get on with. I want to get back as much independence as I possibly can. That’s why I have to be sure before I even consider accepting Hank’s proposal, I don’t want to end up relying on him too much. I want to push myself; I want to stand on my own two feet again. Not be able to return to work though will I? a blind hairdresser? wouldn’t work would it? I feel bad about Kavita, my business partner having to leave her to run the place alone.
Fade
Come up on Angelina sitting in a chair by the window.
He wrote me a letter. The driver, the one that did this to me. When the nurse told me I said, “What did he write it in brail?” I could tell from the silence that she was unsure whether I expected her to laugh or not. I smiled, and she laughed. She said, “Would you like me to read it to you?” I said, “No thanks.” She said, “Where would you like me to put it?” I said, “The shredder.” She laughed, I said, “That time I wasn’t joking.” She said, “Oh, right….”I said, “Well I don’t want to hear his pity.” The nurse said, “They say he’s in a bad way, really depressed.” I said, “He can’t be more depressed than I am. I may never see again.” There was a long silence, followed by an even longer silence, and then she said, “You still don’t know that for sure.” I said, “Yea I do. Luck has never been a friend of mine.” She didn’t say anything. I heard her footsteps as she walked away.
Pause
I wish I could be more positive about this. I wish I could just tell myself, “It’ll be fine. Don’t worry. You’ll be right as rain when the bandages come off.” But I cant.
Fade
Come up on Angelina sitting on her bed
Today’s the day. D-day, the day the bandages come off. My stomach keeps churning. I feel like I need the loo all the time. Everyone around me is being so positive; I wish some of it would rub off on me. All the time I have been here not one person has tried to prepare me for the worst. I am prepared for it. Honest. I am.
Fade
Come back up again. The bandages are off. Angelina looks sad.
Nothing. I can’t see a bloody thing. They gave me a going over; I could hear the disappointment in their voices. Mr Campbell Gore said, “I’m sorry Angelina. The damage is too bad. There is no more that we can do.” I said”, “You have no cause to be sorry.”
Pause
Then I cried.
Fade
Come up again
I’m going home. They are going to take me in a medicar. I have no idea what I’m going to do. I wont be able to do my job anymore. I guess I might as well sell the car; I won’t ever be driving again will I?
Pause
I don’t know how I’m going to manage. Hank said he would help, and Becky says she will always be around. I hate having to rely on others. I like my independence.
Pause
I turned down Hank’s marriage proposal too. He said he would never give up on me. We’ll see. (Chuckles) Strange choice of words wasn’t it?
Fade out
