Andrew's beach front bar

Begins tonight at 9.00. It is filmed here, in Rotherham.

Acording to mister Oliver, we in Rotherham eat worse tan in third world contries, and none of us can cook.

If you watch it, please take what he says with a pinch of salt....no, jamie wouldnt like that would he? Salts un healthy.

Where did this year go?

In the opening days of the year I told myself that this would be the year that I went out and made something of nyself, but here I am 9 months later and still in the same situation.

If this is going to be 'my year' then I only have three months left.

Better pull my finger out.

X factor is more bara.. bareab.. easier to take that way.

the woman said:

'I want something to repair the chip in the angle of my jug.'

Handle. It's not an angle, it's a handle.

Why can people not speak Correctly?

To call myself a writer having had several poems and articles in magazines, for which i received no payment or do I need to have earned money from it to be able to say ' I am a writer'?

We know about the credit crunch.

We dont need reminding about it every time we turn on the TV or the radio, every time we pick up a news paper.

Just give it a rest now and talk about something else....

David Blaine is not a magician.

Will people stop calling him that. Hanging upside down from a rope is not magic. Spending a week in a glass fish tank is not magic. being buried under ground is not magic.

He isnt even an ilusionist, hes a.....whats the word?

Twat!

Yesterday I was walking over the bridge to Tesco in Rotherham and sitting on the floor was this bloke. leaning against the wall was his bicycle, and he had headphones on through which I could hear that he was listening to music.

Everytime somebody passed him by he valled out,

'spare some change?'

I do not beleive that he was homeless, infact he was dressed better than i was, I was wearing Primark, he was wearing Addidas.

Everyone, me included just blanked out his call, put our heads down and passed him by, all except one man.

This one man stopped, looked the guy in the eye and just said, so matter of factly,

'Get to work.'

That is a true hero.

Watching Lee Evans at the Sheffield arena on Saturday night. What a fantastic night, that guy is so funny. It wasnt even marred by the two drunken idiots who had to be thrown out.

Almost three hours on stage, and hillarious throughout. well worth the £30. ticket price.

This is the opening scene for the pilot episode of my sit com 'A boy named Shoe.'

Jimmy Shoe is from Liverpool, and Jed Exodus from Yorkshire. Jimmy is thin and lanky, Jed is short and tubby. They are bagage handlers in an airport.

Bif Bash, a rock star, and the one time school bully when Jimmy was in school is acused of asaulting an air steward and is given community service in the airport.

SC.1. A CAFE WITHIN THE AIRPORT. INT. DAY.

JED EXODUS IS FLICKING THROUGH A TABLOID PAPER. JIMMY IS STARING BLANKLY AT AN A4 PAPER AND SHAKING HIS HEAD.

JED:

How sad would thy need to be to put an ad in a lonely hearts? Listen at this. (He reads) Blonde girl, GSOH…. what the hell is GSOH? (He thinks) Good sex, On Heat, no, I know, Great Set of Hooters. (He holds his hands in front of his chest to suggest large breasts) Sounds like my type of lass, and I could never deny any woman a piece of the Jedser. It’s summat all women should experience, one of the 7 wonders of the world alongside the hanging towers of Babylis and the leaning Gardens of pizza hut.

JED TURNS A PAGE OF THE TABLOID. HE READS.

JED:

Hey, Thy knows Biff Bash was in court for decking that air steward? Well he’s been given 300 hours community service. He won’t like getting his hands dirty I’ll bet thee.

JIMMY:

I hope they make him clean out carzies or something.
.
JIMMY SIGHES LOUDLY.

JED:

Summat up cock?

JIMMY:

Boss wants’ to see me, and on top of that the bank has charged me thirty quid for going overdrawn again. I bet that dolls head has never has that. You watch, he’ll sell his story to the tabloids and make a killing out of it. The twat.

JIMMY HAS ONE FINAL GLANCE AT THE BANK STATEMENT.

JIMMY:

I only went thirty-five pence over drawn. Now I won’t be able to pay the rent or the lecky man. Even though the supermarket keeps giving me cash back I’m still over drawn at the end of every month.

JED:

Thy needs to find some way to supplement thee income, that’s what I do.

JIMMY:

Doing what?

JED:
I work as a doorman at that comedy club, and when it’s an open mike night I always get a slot. You know that’s my dream, to be the biggest stand up on the planet.

JIMMY:
There aren’t many bigger than you. Chubby Brown, Larry the Lard....

JED:
I’m not talking big as in fat I mean Big as in ‘household name’.

JIMMY:
Like ‘The Chamber pots’ that’s my parents household name.

JIMMY SCREWS UP THE BANK STATEMENT AND TOSSES IT TOWARDS A WASTE BINS. IT MISSES.

JED:
Thy can’t just chuck it away cock. What about thee bank details? What if someone nicks thee identity?

JIMMY:
Yews kiddin la? Even I don’t want my life; they wouldn’t have to nick it I would willingly give it away . I’m so unlucky if somebody gave me a free bevy it would be in a sieve instead of a glass.

JED:
That’s what thy said about thee virginity, ‘willingly give it away’, but when I offered to pay a girl to have sex with thee on thy birthday thy refused.

JIMMY:
Wonky Janice from the chippy? She only has three teeth and her gozzy eye puts me about. (He mimes being cross-eyed) she reminds of that Evans bloke from the dragons den. I can never tell if she’s talking to me, or looking over my shoulder.

JED:
Beauty’s only a light switch away. In the dark she can be whoever you want her to be. Keira Knightly, Angelina Jolie.

JIMMY:
Vicky Pollard, She’s quite pretty in a chavy sort of way. Turning out the light wouldn’t stop me from smelling the cooking fat though would it? And her skin is so greasy I think she must bathe in it. The first time I do it I want it to be with somebody hot. Somebody like
Dawn, she is well fit.

JED:
Thy could never pull a bird like Dawn mate, she’s a classy chick that one. She makes Halle Berry look plain. Wonky Janice is more you.

JIMMY:
I make it a rule to never sleep with a woman who is thicker than me.

JED:
Thy better be prepared for some lonely nights then cock. Janice must have some redeeming features anyway.

JIMMY:
Well it’s not brains. Last time I tried to pay her for lunch with my credit card she said ‘thank you very much’ and used it serve the chips.

JED:
Talking of which, I bet thy ant’ reported thee credit card stolen yet has thy?

JIMMY:
I decided not to bother. Whoever nicked it spends less than me. (Sighs) I don’t know what I ever did to deserve my crapper of a life.

JED
I hope thy don’t plan to do the bleeding ‘Humbug’ thing again Jimmy. It’s the same every bloody Christmas.

JIMMY:
I think I’ve got my ‘Humbug’ to perfection.

HE MIMICKS ‘SCROOGE’

JIMMY:
‘Christmas, bah humbug. Back to work Crotchet. Bah. Humbug’. Scrooge is my all time favourite villain. Forget Davros and The Daleks. Anyone who can be that malicious without even making an effort is tops with me. (Sighs) I always loathed Christmas you know, even as a kid. I just don’t gedit. What is the connection with Christmas and sprouts anyway? That’s the only time anybody eats the evil little green noxious bastards. And a fake tree with tinsel and crappy plastic balls on it. It’s like your tree has had a makeover by Linda Barker. What has all that got to do with the birth of what’s his face?

JED:
Jesus Christ Jimmy.

JIMMY:
(Defensively) What? What have I done now?

JED:
It’s the birth of Jesus. Anyway, thy must’a liked Chrimbo as a nipper. All bairns do. Thee parents must have bought thee presents. I know thy came from a broken home and all that, but even so…

JIMMY:
I wouldn’t say it was broken. There were a few missing tiles and a bit of damp. Oh, and I’ll tell you about my presents shall I? One year I recall, I woke Christmas morning and there at the foot of my bed was a stocking, well, I call it a stocking, but let’s call a shovel a spade shall we, it was one of my Grandmas surgical stockings, they didn’t even wash it first and she had athletes foot. In the bottom of said stocking was one meagre parcel, so I rip it open, and I’m hoping to find the Luke Skywalker action figure that I’d been asking for since, well, since forever really. Yews know what I found when I ripped it open? I’ll tell you shall I? A Blow up doll. A sex doll, like the ones that sad pervy men use when they can’t get a woman, ’Rubber Roz’. My step dad said, ‘Get some practice in before you move on to the real thing.’ Then you wonder why I’m so messed up!

JED:
I allus’ wanted me parents to buy us a sex doll. The closest I got were a photo of Linda Lusardi stuck to me pillow. Has thy still god’ it? Them bloody things cost a bomb these days.

JIMMY:
No I haven’t still got it. She was a whore, cheated on me with Raymond Walloon.

JED:
Who the bloody Hell is Raymond Walloon?

JIMMY:
He was my imaginary friend. He was so cool, pull girls like that. (Snaps fingers). The bastard stole all my prospective girlfriends.

JED:
He were thee imaginary friend. Why din’t thy just imagine him less cool?

JIMMY:
What and have people think my best mate was a geek? No way, having a cool mate was good for my street cred, and he looked out for me when Biff started picking on me.

JED:
Jimmy, he didn’t bloody exist.

JIMMY:
But Biff didn’t know that did he?

JED LOOKS A LITTLE BEMUSED

JED:
So what happened to Rozz?

JIMMY:
(Has a sinister look in his eyes) I killed the bitch. Stone dead with my bare hands.

JIMMY MIMICS PUNHING SOMEBODY. JED LOOKS SLIGHTLY ILL AT EASE.

JIMMY:
(In a sinister voice) I buried her in a shallow grave; in the woods. (does evil cartoon laugh) I would have gotten away with it too if not for being reported by those pesky kids.

JED:
Thy were a pesky kid thee sen.

JIMMY:
(Sounding offended) I resent that. I was never pesky. Exasperating, irritating, wearisome perhaps, but I was never pesky.

JED TRIES TO LIGHTEN THE MOOD

JED:
Thy allus’ accept presents from folks at Christmas though.

JIMMY:
What, hand knitted jumpers with sleeves designed for baboons, and cheap aftershave made from dogs piss from the 99p shop?

JED:
Au-de poodle pee?

JIMMY:
I used to smell like an incompetent tramp,

JED:
just like Amy Winehouse. I got thee a book for crimbo last year.

JIMMY:
‘Develop you’re prospects in life.’ That wasn’t a present, it was a hint.

JED:
Hey, I made a big effort over that. When I asked the woman in the bookshop to point me in the direction of the self-help section she said that would be defeating the object, and to find it myself. And I got thee that DVD.

JIMMY:
And once again, ‘Be a better human being- twenty ways to grow in maturity, With the Chuckle brothers.’

JED:
OK, how about that spice girl’s album?

JIMMY:
It was ‘The Spicy girls’, a spice girl’s tribute band. If you had looked more closely you would have seen that. Granny spice, smelly spice, freaky spice, gobby spice and posh spice.

JED:
And I’ll bet Posh were still the least talented.

JIMMY:
Do you recon Gerry is a genuine Ginger?

JED:
I ‘d volunteer to do’t test. (Goes into thought) That would be a cool job. Minge tester. Tools of the trade, a fine tooth comb and an eyeglass. (Mimics wearing monocle style eye glass) drop thee kecks for me Miss Haliwell..

JIMMY CHUCKLES.

JIMMY:
That would be the closest I would come to a minge.

JED:
Thy still has the option of Wonky Janice.

JIMMY:
I’ll stick to my regular visits to the sperm bank ta. I’ve been so many times now I can tell one plastic cup from another; I even gave them individual names. I always ask for Paula now; she has a little chip that makes me so horny, and she never judges me if I cum too soon.

JED:
I would hate to dip me toe in thy gene pool Jim. Are thy sure thee parents are not related?

JIMMY:
Of course they are related, that’s why they are both called Shoe.

JED:
Thy must be depriving a village of its idiot? Did thy get dropped on thee head as a nipper?

JIMMY SHRUGS

JED SIGHES.

JED:
Jimmy. Is it just me, or does thy sometimes get the feeling life’s passing us by? Sometimes I just crave a bit of excitement.

JIMMY:
Do something else then, you can do anything if you put your mind to it. There is no such word as cant.

JED:
OK, climb onto the roof and fly off if there aint no such word as can’t.

JIMMY:
That’s just silly. You know exactly what I meant.

JED:
So what’s thee dream job then?

JIMMY:
I once trained to be a conductor in London. That would have been a boss job.

JED:
Philharmonic?

JIMMY:
Tube.

JED:
Would thy not like to leave behind some sort of legacy, be remembered for summat, like Martin Luther King and Albert Einstein or William Wilberforce, and be recalled in history?

JIMMY:
Have yews been watching John Cravens News round again?

JED:
They don’t call it John Craven’s News round anymore Jimmy. It’s just called News round now.

JIMMY:
Darrafact? When did that happen?

JED:
Yonks ago.

JIMMY:
I never liked it as a kid, it was way too highbrow. Why do they have to use such big words? What the hell is a sarcophagus anyway?

JED:
Some type of respiratory illness I think. Do thy ever think though, where thy’ll be five years from now?

JIMMY:
Hopefully married, have a couple of kids, living in a council house, the bank would never give a barm pot like me a mortgage, perhaps have a small garden, or an allotment, grow my own vegies. Still working here obviously, who else would employ me? I wouldn’t employ me, have you seen my CV? I’ll hopefully have a caravan holiday in Blackpoll once a year. On my day off I’ll mow the lawn, wash the car, only an old banger, probably full of dents. I’ll take the kids to the park, walk the dog, mongrel, visit the in laws, they won’t think I’m good enough for their daughter, tell her she could do much better than me. I’ll do the Tesco shop, possibly get a trolley with a wobbly wheel, not forgetting to check out the reduced section, maybe get a chicken breast with only one day left on the best before, some soup in a tin that’s a bit dented, then go home and cook lunch, the wife will say she does it every other day of the week so it’s only fair that I do it on my day off, I’ll probably burn the meat, maybe set the smoke alarm off, waft it with a magazine… and by six o’clock I will be in an arm chair ready for a night in front of TV..

JED LOOKS BEMUSED

JED:
So, no high hopes then? Do thy never wonder how it would be to lead a celebrity life style? Like Biff Bash. I mean, look at our life, graft, ale, tek -aways , porn and shagging, well me shagging. At least... Do thy not crave summot more sometimes?

JIMMY:
I don’t want to have a celebrity life style; I would have to call any kids I had stupid names like Fifi Trixabelle and Peaches, and Natasha Kaplinski?

JED:
(Pulls orgasmic face) I’d like to Natash her Kaplinski!

JED GRINS.

JED:
I think Melancholy would be a great name for a kid.

JIMMY:
Mell and Colly. Didn’t they used to be in Biker grove?

JED:
Melancholy. It’s across between a Melon and a cauliflower. Main course and desert all in one.

JIMMY:
Do you remember Melanie Genovese who used to work in customer services? Everyone called her Melon chest. We used to have some laughs with her. Great memories.

JED:
(Dreamily) Yea, she has fantastic tits. Imagine being a bairn suckling on them mammas.

JED HOLDS HANDS IN FRONT OF CHEST TO SIGNIFY LARGE BOOBS. HE MIMES SUCKLING BREAST

JIMMY:
Do you know what I find really odd? Naming a kid after where it was conceived. I can’t believe John Lennon’s parents named him after an airport.

JED:
The airport were named after him, not vice versa.

JIMMY:
Who the Hell is vice versa?

JED:
(Sarcastically) I think he were the fifth Beatle Jim...

JIMMY:
I think celebrities should call the kid something that would suit it in later life, cause it’s going to get messed up being in the public eye twenty four seven.

JED:
Like what?

JIMMY:
Junky

JED:
You can’t call a kid Junky. Imagine how bullied it would be.

JIMMY:
We had a kid at school that used to get bullied. God, what was his name? I can see his face, he wore national health specs, had greasy skin and hair. He was always left on the sideline in PE because nobody wanted him on their team. Once he pissed his pants in front of the whole class when he got bollocked by Mr. Nudge the maths teacher for not doing his homework? What was his name?

THEY EXCHANGE GLANCES.

JIMMY:
Oh wait, that was me.

JIMMY GLANCES AT HIS WATCH. HE EXHAILS VERY LOUDLY SEVERAL TIMES.

JIMMY:
Time to go and face the music I guess.

JED:
Any idea why the gaffer wants to see thee?

JIMMY:
I’m getting a bollocking aren’t I?

JED NODS. JIMMY STANDS AND EXITS NERVOUSLY.

c.andrew mark bedell

The pilot episode of my sit com 'A boy named Shoe.' is almost complete.

All I need to do is a couple of re reads, and it will be ready to go.

Considering my last two fefforts were rejected I do not hold outr a great deal of hope, but writing is what I want to do, this is how I want to earn a living and I'm going to have a damn good try at it.

I will not be put off no matter how many times I am cast onto the reject pile.

Yup. Tomorow we is going to see the fantastic Lee Evans at the Sheffield Arena. I cant wait...

I sat and watched later with Jules Holland last night, because Metalica were going to be performing songs from their new CD.

A couple of performers came on who I have never heard of, and erm....the french 'head of state's' wife?

And finaly Metalica came on, and it was worth the wait...I am going to go out and buy the CD,next month after I've had my wages.

If the media is to be beleived.

We are all going to loose all our money, our jobs, none of us will be able to heat our homes, food costs so much that we can't aford to eat, fuel costs so much thatwe cant fill up our cars, there is global warming, if you go out into town you will get shot or stabbed, we are being over run by imigrants, there are no jobs, teenage pregnancies are on the increase so we are going to be overpopulated........

God, I wish I had just stayed in bed!

I would love to see somebody wipe the floor with them.

A customer just came in the shop, and brought £4.95 worth of goods to the counter (a tube of glue, a pot of paint and a bag of lolly sticks).

"Can you do me a deal on them?" he asked.

"What sort of deal?" I asked.

"Some money off." He said. "Only, I cant aford them."

If you cant afford them don't fecking buy them then.

It's Monday morning, so it's all OK!!!!

How many people do you think were singing that when the alarm went off this morning?

So far this morning I have hoovered the entire house, blitzed the kitchen, including floor, worktops and oven, done a load of washing and hung it on the line, and had a shower.

All that before 10.45, and It's Sunday.....

Coffee and chockie bickies I think are called for now.

Bruce Dickinson lead singer of Iron Maiden has been flying XL Passengers home on his own chartered flight.

Iknow it wont be much of a concelation for those who's holidays have been ruined, but how cool would it be to have Bruce dickinson flying you home?

Yea, some teenage chav asked me that on the bus. I say 'asked' it was more grunted.

'From his gramor it was easy to see that he has never read a book, and not truly grasped the English language, init, even though like, he had the broadest Yorkshire accent i have ever heard (and I am Yorkshire born and bread and been here all my life). The conversation went a litle like this:

Him:Why's Thy reading pal? What is it?

Me:Oliver Twist.

Him:Oliver wat?

Me:Oliver Twist.

Him:Never erd an it. Wat's it abbart?

Me:Oliver Twist, workhouse kid, asked for more, became a pick pocket with Fagin...

Him:Wat's Fagin?

Me:Have you never heard the musical or seen the film?

Him:I dont watch musicals. Thats girlie stuff. and i watch slasher films.

Me:So you never read a book?

Him:Jesus No. F****ng Sad Twat........

So, it's official. I am Sad.

so Bananarama sang way back in the eighties.

Now it seems it could be true, and one city is stopping and questening people who are walking alone through the park and asking them why they are there. if they do not have a resonable answer they can be taken in for questening becaue they may be a peadophile.

Erm, excuse me but I walk through the park alone many times, and why should i not just because i have no kids?

I have as much right to be there a as parent with a child.

Tomorow we may be sucked into a black hole!!!

Tatty bie then.

Taxi is coming in half an hour to take us from rainy Sheffield to erm...rainy London.

Hotel is booked , and tonight we are going 'clubbing'.

Back home tomorow, yes, only away for one night.

Thats the closest were going to get to a HOLIDAY this year.

Oh, wait...Pass me a callender.

September, sorry my mistake. It's just that, in Somerfields they have some chocolate buttons with pictures of Santa on the packet.

Thats what the forcast says for Friday and Saturday. Does the weathwr know that me and Michele are going to London for the weekend?

erm.....internet explorer can not display the web page..

Yup...On Friday we is off to that big old London Town for a couple of nights.

We is crossing that North/South divide and venturing out of Yorkshire.

Looking forward to it, should be a fun weekend.

Hope you is all well....