I went to the Doctors this morning. He had me strip off, I said ‘Are you going to do a full examination?’ He said, ‘No. It’s just that it boosts my confidence when I see somebody who looks worst naked than I do.’

He checked me over, and he said, ‘I have some good news and some bad news.’ I said ‘What’s the good news?’ he said, ‘You are 100% fit and healthy, it’s a long time since I saw anyone in such good health.’ So I said, ‘What’s the bad news?’ and he said, ‘I’m a compulsive liar.’

But I have to be careful because we have a hereditary condition in our family. Death.

My Doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. It’s not true, but it’s the only illness I don’t have.

They say we aught not to drive 4 x 4’s and people carriers, or that we should car pool. I tried that, ruined my upholstery, short circuited my car and I almost drowned. ….

I use a people carrier to go to work, it’s a train.

I do have an off road vehicle, I cant afford to tax and insure it so it’s off the road. My TV’s broken. I can still get a picture, just no sound. ‘It’s OK; I’ve started to put my own words to the pictures. Last Night Natasha Kaplinsky said ‘Yes. Yes. Yes. Give it to me big boy!’

I’m a celebrity is on again, or as I like to call it ‘I’m a has been get me a career again.’ I thought I had read that Paris Hilton was going into the jungle, but I read it wrong. It wasn’t Paris; it was her lesser-known sister Bangkok.